Break the Sky

The blue birds flutter in my chest. Oh, they want to sing. You'll have to break me open to hear anything.

I had intended to spend my Valentine's Day alone, but last night Nikki asked me if I had plans and then invited me to come along with her and Jake to the Jack Daniel's Distillery. So, although I was a third wheel, it never feels that way with those two. I had a lot of fun, and I'd much rather spend my Valentine's Day with Nikki than almost anyone else.

Jack said he was coming over tonight because he and my roommate were going to cook dinner. Seems he had other plans spring up since he never showed up. That is perfectly okay though.

I'll break the sky, for you and I are going no where. Kiss goodbye a dozen times before we get there. Why do I need anyone else when I can break the sky myself?

I'm not going to be overly available in these coming weeks. I've got to focus.

My dad texted me a picture of a cute little black lab today. I texted back, "WHO IS THAT?!"
His response: "Dont know Just passing through I guess Letting him warm up"
"You're keeping him, right?"
"Trying him out"
"I'm excited!"

So, my dad has a dog at least temporarily. I wanna go home and meet him so bad now! I want him and Buckley to play together!

You know, I had a good day. Even if I spent it alone, I'd have had a good day. I hate that single people get all bent out of shape on Valentine's Day. I hate that anyone feels they need a relationship for happiness.

That's all I got for today.

Friday the Thirteenth

Jack turns 30 today.

I was teasing him about his age and how he needs to listen to his old, tired body, and he said: "Keep talking like that and this body won't be going to your bed anymore."

As if that is supposed to be a threat. Lately I wish it were a reality. But ya know, I've been keeping him around because it's easy. I take the path of least resistance. The last time we were together, I wasn't too into it though because I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that I had figured out. And if he never stepped a foot in my room again, I can't say I'd be too sad.

Waking up your neighbors downstairs. I've been inside your bedroom a thousand years. And as you tie me to the bed for good, I say, "I want you in the most unromantic way."

Don't get me wrong. I don't hate him. I don't have any reason to hate him. In fact, I enjoy his company a lot of the time. I like when he's around, but it's not so much a desire anymore. It's just a normalcy. I guess I'll explain a little about my liberated post a few days ago. I'm not going to tell you how I found out what I found out (at this point you should know I have my ways of discovering the truth), but I discovered that Jack is just a sad, lonely, and very desperate man. I feel confident in myself that I rarely experience loneliness, but seeing it in other people makes me sad. How come some people just can't be happy alone? So, my suspicions of Marcia were most certainly true. And there are most likely others. I know if he had his way, there would definitely be several others. I don't feel right explaining everything I know, but I feel better about myself knowing it all.

I'm sorry - I know I'm vague. The picture I posted was Jack's shirt. He gave it to me because I was cold. I didn't even say out loud that I was cold, but he knew. He can be a sweet guy, but it fucks me up when he's so nice to me like that.

I'd like to address a few posts ago when I was talking about kind of missing being in a relationship: I take back most of what I said there, especially about Jack. I had been watching sweet movies with happy endings and was just being sentimental. My intuition was brainwashed by my emotions that night. That's all.



I told both my roommate and Jack that I am leaving in May. When I told Jack he asked where I would go. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm definitely not staying here. I can't stay in one place for too long, especially this place. I am so excited to graduate and move on with my life. I'd like for my degree to take me somewhere. But even if it doesn't and I end up doing menial work, I just hope it's far away from here.

Remember my friend Mecha? Mecha is getting his certification in dog training and it just so happens to be in my current town. He took my dog, Buckley, with him one day to be trained. I don't particularly agree with that training method, but I don't have the heart to tell him because he is so fully committed to it. He is even considering quitting his job because his job doesn't allow that training method. The way he talks about it, he seems brainwashed by his trainer. So the method he is so adamant about is the correction method. I don't know the proper term. He tried to tell me it was positive reinforcement! I know behavioral training very well, and that is most definitely negative reinforcement. The correction method is when you "correct" the dog by jerking on the leash when they do something you don't want them to do. Punishing a dog for "wrong" behavior is the very definition of negative reinforcement. So, my dog seemed very depressed when he came home from training because he had essentially been being punished all day... Mecha says his work only allows treat-based training, which is purely positive reinforcement, or rewarding the dog for good behaviors. That's the method I have always used, and I prefer it myself because I know it works and it makes the dog HAPPY to do right instead of terrified of doing wrong. My dog has confidence issues enough as it is. I want to build his confidence up instead of beating it back down. It has already been a long process getting it to where it is now, and he is still super submissive at times. Anyway, I just wanted to rant about that for a minute... I probably will not entirely implement Mecha's methods into my lifestyle.

So in Graphic Design there is an award ceremony called the ADDYs. As a senior graphic design student, I was *required* to submit some of my work to the ADDYs (made mandatory by the faculty). I was a bit upset about having to do that because it cost $35 to submit ONE piece, and, as I have no faith in my work, I felt it was literally just throwing money away since I wasn't going to win any awards. It turns out I won an award though, so I guess it wasn't a complete waste. I won't know exactly what I won (gold, silver, bronze) until I attend the ceremony. So I guess that has given me a little boost of confidence today. I'm excited to attend the ceremony as well, but I have to find a ride...

So, today is Friday the 13th and tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I wish I had more girl friends. I wanna celebrate Galentine's Day. I really just want to go out and get breakfast food with people haha. I'm getting tired of always being around dudes.

I'm going to try to work until I pass out now. Hopefully I can make myself be productive...

It means something

What if I started uploading photos with no context?

This picture is going to make me sick one day.

Liberated

I thought I wanted to be left in the dark, but, God, it feels so good to know. It feels good that I can adjust my life accordingly. It feels good that I can move on. Ahhh, I feel liberated. I know nothing I do from here on out will feel wrong. It won't be wrong.

I'm debating whether I should tell you what I'm talking about or just leave it for now. I don't think I want to explain. Just know I'm in a good place right now, and I did something slightly sneaky to get here, but my results completely overshadow that.

I'm not sick anymore. My voice is still weak and a bit hoarse, but I'm feeling much better. It happened almost overnight, which is great. I've got a lot of homework to do now, so I'll give ya all the deets tomorrow.

Two six fifteen

I saw Copeland the other night with my friend Dav! It was a lot of fun. She didn't know the band, but she had fun too. I'm too short and couldn't see ANY of the performance through the crowd, but they sounded fantastic. The music and the singing sounded so close to the studio recordings. I met Aaron Marsh, and Bryan and Stephen Laurenson after. They were all so nice! Bryan and especially Stephen were super excited that I knew about States.

We met a guy in the band Valise. His name is Ricky. He was super cool and nice too. I love shows and I always like hanging out with Dav, and it was all around and great experience. I was so ecstatic by the time we left. We got pulled over on the way home. The Davidson County Metro Police have a pretty good reputation, and this experience just made me see that firsthand. The cop was so nice to us. We got pulled over because Dav stopped at a blinking yellow light, which you aren't supposed to do. The cop said it was reasonable suspicion for possible intoxication. He said, "But you clearly haven't been drinking...". And he was just all around a very nice guy and a great cop. I have a typical disdain for cops because I'm used to so many of them being assholes right off the bat, but this guy was great.

(sidenote: we actually had been drinking, but Dav was sober by the time we left - neither of us drank that much).

I completely lost my voice a few days ago, and I'm only just now getting it back. I had to whisper all day at school on Wednesday (but I got my voice back just a little that night at the show, so I'm glad I could talk to the band somewhat). Thursday my voice was barely there, and today it is barely here, but at least I can talk.

This morning was the worst. My throat hurt more than it has ever hurt in my life. I was so exhausted yesterday, I passed out around 7:30. I woke up a few times throughout the night, but I got out of bed at 7am and I was in the most intense pain. My throat was absolutely inflamed. I couldn't swallow or even move my tongue. It was excruciating to cough, which I couldn't prevent. It was so bad, I considered going to the doctor. I took some medicine and went back to sleep, and it felt better throughout the day. Now that it's late at night, though, it's starting to hurt again.

Jack went to a show tonight at a bar up the street. He's going with Matt. He said he agreed to go because Matt asked him and Matt wants to pick up chicks. He said it implying that he himself would not be picking up chicks, but let's be honest.

I'm still super cautious of him, and I don't really believe a lot of what he says. Like on days he doesn't come over after work, he'll claim he was hanging out with Matt (even though I never ask). I could give him the benefit of the doubt, but if he is seeing other girls, at least he's not bringing them over here anymore...

And if he really is being honest, well then that's great. I'm not going to get hurt, so I'm staying emotionally detached and uninvested, and believing he is the same helps me stay that way.