More or less of the same

Matt, Jack, Marcia, and I played Settlers of Catan tonight. I was hesitant at first because I didn't particularly want to spend any time with Marcia, but we got along great (because I guess why wouldn't we), and she won. I almost won though!

When it was over, Jack gave her a ride home. And, ya know, I didn't care. I didn't get upset or jealous. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with whatever the fuck is going on around here. Jack makes sexual jokes (not overt ones) about me now. Like during Settlers, I said "I get lots of wood" and he said, "Yeah, you do." And we laughed, but Matt laughed at harder at the look I gave him because Matt totally knows everything. I don't know what that means, and I don't know what it means that he would do it in front of Marcia.

I remember very specifically a time a long time ago when we were all playing Cards Against Humanity, before any of the current situation was even conceived, Jack's girlfriend at the time walked in. Eventually, Matt made a fellacio joke pertaining to his girlfriend. Something like, "I bet she does that when she gives you blowjobs." Or something. And Jack defended her, saying something like, "Hey, none of that." Like she was protected from dirty jokes directed toward her.

So, just know I remember almost everything. And I [over] analyze it all. And maybe there is something here. Is it that I'm not worth the protection from dirty jokes or is it that he knows I can take them and his ex couldn't? I don't know. I don't care. I'm out of here in 4-7 months and I just don't care.

I had a thought that I'm still working on: Am I the one who took the easy road? Did I choose the easy option? Did I start this thing with Jack just because he was here and it was easy? I've turned down P and even Michael because I don't want long distance. I can always find an excuse to say no. But Jack was right here. And he was available. And he was willing. So, I took it. I do know I took it because there was no commitment involved, unlike the other two. The commitment is the big part. I can do everything relationship-wise with a person except commit to only them. Or to make it known, public... official. It's slightly terrifying.

If I get a car and move to Nashville in my next chapter of life (4-7 months from now), I would date P. Because fuck everyone else. He has been here for me the longest, and we're still going. We understand each other. He's adorable. He's just fucking comfortable, okay?

When it comes to relationships, I need full commitment. I need the other person's almost-constant presence. I need them to be there. With me. Because I will do the same.

I want all or nothing. I don't want a half-assed relationship. If we're gonna do this, we're gonna fucking DO this.

You're the best that I can do

She says, "You don't love me; you just love sex. But I can't wait around for something better than this. Because you're the best that I can do, and I... I wish I could leave you."

I got stupidly sad when he left the other night without saying bye. He always makes it a point to find me and tell me he's leaving and he'll see me tomorrow. I wish it hadn't bothered me as much as it did.

He came over today to have sex with me and leave almost immediately afterward. It was really distracting during sex because my roommate and Marcia came home and were being loud in the kitchen (mostly Marcia with her giggling). They have been hanging out a lot lately...

I skyped with P for three hours tonight. It was nice. I know I say this regularly periodically, but I'd give P another chance. He wants to. It seems in his mind he kind of already considers us in a long distance relationship. And I really feel like he has grown up. I've got a gut feeling, and my intuition is usually right. (My intuition is what leads to all my doubts with Jack). I don't know if I've ever said this, and it's just romanticizing, but I have always felt like I'd end up with P in the end. Does that make it unfair to anyone else I date? I don't think so. It's not like I /plan/ to end up with P. I just feel like if that's the way it happens, then that's how it was supposed to happen.

Anyway, I have been fantasizing about getting away again. I can't wait to get out of here and get away from all these people (yes, even the ones I like). I get this itch every so often to start anew somewhere else. I can work on achieving that come August.

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

I started school back yesterday. I feel like it's going to be a good semester. My big class for my major is going to be a hell of a ride though...

But of course I don't want to talk about that right now; I want to talk about the juicy stuff.

Jack and I were in my room watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off (typically we just put on movies for background noise), when that girl from my last post came over. I'm going to call her "Marcia." Marcia was hanging out with my roommate cuz they had just gotten back from the gym or something. She and Jack had been playing Trivia Crack earlier. He, of course, initiated all of that by sending her an invite. So anyway, we knew they were back from the gym because we heard them talking in the kitchen. Jack and I had sex, and I always feel weird doing it in my room when other people are home because my bed is loud and the walls are so thin. So thin! But whatever. As soon as it was over, he got dressed and went in the other room to hang out with them. Now, he did promise to play Smash Bros with my roommate, so I guess he was just sticking to that. But I decided not to be social and stay in my room. Marcia and I have never really connected anyway, and I've never had much desire to be friends with her (I'm sure she feels the same about me). No animosity... more like disinterest.

So, for some reason, that kinda got me down. I thought that was it for the night. But he did come back in my room eventually and hung out with me and Buckley.* (He's so good to my dog -- I can't deny I adore it). I guess that redeemed him a bit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't know why jealousy was coming into play with whatever this thing is I have with Jack. Jealousy has never been an issue for me in my romantic relationships. It's because with my exes, I never felt like they appealed to a large number of women. I don't mean that in a bad way and I'm not calling them ugly. I just thought they were specifically attractive to me. I just never worried about other women. But with Jack, he is just a super attractive guy who has all kinds of women wanting him. And, frankly, he can have these women if he wants. He could be with whoever he wants. And I mean he's allowed to do that at this moment in time. It just blows my mind that he keeps coming back to me. Even if this never turns into a relationship - I will never see what he sees in me.

I wonder why in your eyes you choose me to exist.

For the first time in my life, I am "with" somebody who I feel like is completely out of my league. I think that's why I never bothered to look at him in this light when I first met him. I never bothered to mind his attractiveness because "us" was just not a possibility whatsoever. I've realized that this is why he makes me feel so insecure. I mean, he doesn't, but the idea of him does. And, oh, do I feel insecure. This is part of the reason I can't seem to open up to him. Not to mention the uncertainty of what this is and where it's going; his intention; my indecisiveness; and my deliberate emotional wall.

With everything, I guess we'll just continue to see where this goes. It's going so slowly (a nice change of pace, actually), but it's going somewhere.

*I have completely forgotten to tell the story behind my new baby.

Colleging

Being an adult is having a conversation with your roommate right after having sex and you both know that he knows that you just had sex because he could hear everything. Not as awkward as I thought it would be!

My roommate knows about us now, but I don't think I was ready for him to know in THAT MUCH DETAIL lol. It's just hard to be quiet and the walls are SO THIN. Oh well.

I have class in the morning. Gotta wake up in 6 hours.

I see you looking at my blog

My post are getting views lately. Who is seeing them? WHO ARE YOU?!