"I should have never left." Something I've heard before.

Yet, you still haven't come back.

Taz

The only thing that bound me to this place, you took with you when you died.

I've cried over the thought of it in the past, but now that it has happened, I don't know what to do. I haven't really had time to be alone today. I don't know what's happening. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. I start to cry every time I think of all the times I told him, "I love you" which is every time I saw him, multiple times. I've missed him like crazy, every time I'm away... And now I can't ever see him again.

The love of my life for eleven years. I always looked forward to coming home and seeing him. I found out when I woke up this morning with a text from Ryan saying, "I've got sad news. Taz is no longer with us ): found him this morning outside my door." I don't know what happened. He was fine the last time I saw him. I knew this day would eventually come, but I wasn't ready for this. I thought I would be expecting it. I thought maybe he would get noticeably sick before it happened, and I'd be better prepared. I'd be able to let him go more easily. He died sometime last night. The fact that Ryan found him outside the door makes it so much worse. He wanted someone. I feel like he died scared and alone. I always thought I'd be there for him when it happened. That's the way I imagined it anyway.

2014 sucks. Now I have to spend the year without him. And the rest of my life.

Max was in the shower when I found out. I told him when he got out, and he just said,"What!" over and over again. I know Taz didn't mean as much to him, but he knows how much Taz means to me. His old cat died last year, so he can relate to how I feel. He held me and told me it was okay to let it out. I just couldn't. I couldn't cry. He had to go to driving school today, so he dropped me off at my house. He told me he loved me for the third time before he left.

Suddenly, all of my recent problems are irrelevant after this.

And I haven't been able to stop crying since.

I've never told anyone this, but I may have written it here a time or two. There was a time I was severely depressed for the better part of a year. Not to go into too much detail, but Taz was the one thing that kept me grounded. I didn't think he'd be taken care of it I weren't around. I didn't want anything to happen to him. I have never cared for or loved anyone or anything so deeply as I loved him. Nothing ever warmed my heart as much as he did.

And now, as always, I don't know what to do.

No One But You

The snooping has yielded unsatisfactory results as far as snooping goes. In other words, nothing interesting has turned up (since the first time). So, I've elected to stop. Because it's not fair and it's not me.

So, things have been getting better. He got really upset the other night when I said I was going to bed at like 9-10pm (we never go to bed before midnight). But, I mean, I watched an entire movie and he was on Facebook the whole time. So, I was just kinda bored and tired. Why wouldn't I sleep? I had nothing else to do. He knew I was upset and why. He convinced me stay awake. I feel like things are still okay when he can make me laugh when I'm mad. I hate it though. I don't want to laugh when I'm mad! So we watched a couple more movies before finally going to bed. He didn't get on his laptop the rest of the night. And the next day, he didn't either.

Maybe I've been keeping his attention. I don't naively think sex can save us, but I know it's definitely not hurting us. I'm just trying to make him remember how great we were in the beginning. I can't stand this "settling" feeling. I don't want to get comfortable in this relationship. I want it to always feel new... It's too special to me to "just be." I want it to always be great. So, I've been throwing in my effort, and I think he has too. If only by making an effort to stay off Facebook so much (and I didn't get mad at him when he spent some time on it today - it's the sheer amount of time he would be on it when we were together - wasting our time together - that was so distressing to me).

And I greatly appreciate his efforts. I know how fucking hard it is to stay off Facebook. Mine has been gone for only 4 days, and it feels like it has been much longer. I get on my laptop, and I habitually want to get on Facebook. I know there's nothing there for me. No notifications or messages waiting for me because my account is inaccessible to others right now. But just out of habit, I want to always go back to Facebook after doing anything on my computer. I've decided not to bring it back until I accomplish some things first. I need to be productive. I may give it three more days when we move back to Murf.

I think he resents Tumblr because I chose it over Facebook. Oh, social media. Why do you have to be ever so god damned fucking relevant in our lives?

Anyway, he gets his apartment on Monday. It'll be right up the road from my house by school. So, I'm moving back when he moves in. School starts Thursday anyway. I passed my portfolio review but have been having complications with being registered for the proper class. I've been in touch with my adviser the last couple days trying to work it out. Hopefully the issue is resolved before school starts.

I guess that's all I really have to say for now. Gonna make a checklist of little goals to accomplish before reactivating my Facebook and, more importantly, going back to school.

-Clean Steve Buscemi the chameleon's cage.
-Draw up bottle logos for Mecha
-Make logo for Ryan's band (and t-shirt design color change)
-Send Jenna CD and other misc things I've been meaning to mail forever (this may have to wait til Monday since some stuff I want to mail is at my house in Murf)

- - - - -

My horoscope today is pretty coincidental: You are softening with regard to a colleague or friend who has been misbehaving lately. In fact, they may apologize or even change quickly. Make sure that forgiveness is an option.

And I'm never really sure if you're to take what I'm saying the right way

He's blasting his bands recordings while he's on Facebook as I just sit here. That's just shoving it in my face.

But I keep only comin' here, standing in this state.

I have reminded him persistently to sign up for this traffic school thing, and he still hasn't done it... because fucking Facebook. So, if he'd choose a point on his record over a simple online traffic school program all because of Facebook. So be it. I'm done nagging.

Facebook though. This is exactly what we talked about last night. This is why I'd rather not bother and just bottle it up. It's a waste of energy to talk about anything...

Holding on

I deleted my Facebook shortly after that last post. Let's hope it lasts longer this time.

I did some snooping...

If I'm going to be crazy, I'm going to do it thoroughly.

I feel like it's slipping away from me, and I'm just letting it happen.

Maybe I should try putting more effort into this. It's hard to trick your emotions... or fake them. I'll give it a try and report back.

I just need to remember the beginning for motivation.

- - - - -

He came over last night because he said Bobby and Robert and his roommate were staying at his house. I assume that means they were going to have a nice long night of tripping and being high. So, in that sense, I appreciated that he chose to spend the night with me. I was just in a slump I couldn't get out of (as usual). Before he came over, he messaged me on Facebook saying he'd be there before 11. I responded that I doubt that. Of course, I was right. He tried though. He got there a little after 11. I wasn't really being mean about it. I was just not holding back my thoughts because I get that way when I get into that mood. He said we were going to watch Eternal Sunshine because I've teased him lately about refusing to ever watch it. But when he got here, he fell asleep almost immediately. I was a little sad, but I understood. He worked all morning and then had a long day with band practice. Granted, he told me band practice didn't last long, which means they mostly sat around and got high all day and dicked around. But, you know, still... it was late when he finally decided to hang out with me.

So, as he slept, I watched Eternal Sunshine. He woke up in the middle of the movie, and said, "You're watching it without me?!" And then I felt bad, so I turned it off and went to sleep myself. Right after posting the first part of this post anyway.

He woke up at 4am and woke me up to go back in my room to sleep. I was trying my damndest to be nice, keeping in mind my new pledge to sacrifice my own happiness.

But by the time we got up for the day, it was just too hard to put on a mask. He immediately opened up his laptop and went to messaging whoever he's always more interested in than me. So I lay on the couch next to him and watched tv. He kept asking what was wrong, and I just told him I was fine. For some reason, I feel I can't talk to him anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. It seems so futile. I guess after that time he made me cry, I don't want to tell him anything because he'll just get mad.

And I especially don't want to tell him how I'd rather spend time with him instead of sitting in a room not acknowledging each other. The only reason I don't acknowledge him is because he ignores me first. And then I get sad and accept it. I don't want to tell him because I don't want to force him to spend time with me. I want him to want to spend time with me. But I'm boring. I can't get high with him like his friends and play music with him and trip mushrooms. All I ever do is bitch anymore or not talk to him about "what's wrong." So, I guess I understand why he's more interested in them. Makes me feel pretty terrible though.

And I feel like he has definitely spent more time with them than me this break from school. He even said something about how he doesn't have practice tomorrow and wants to spend time with me "for once." But I know IF we hang out, he'll still be putting all of his attention on them.

I've just been so depressed lately.

- - - - -

If you asked both of us how this relationship is going, I'm sure neither of us would know what to say. A few months ago, obviously we'd both say it's great. Things just haven't been the same lately. And I know we've only just reached the one-year mark. I don't want this to be my curse. I don't want all of my meaningful romantic relationships to be ruined after one year. I'm going to keep at it though. I'm going to keep trying with this one. I just know if the way I've been feeling lately turns into the way I feel for the next several months, it's going to have to end. I'd like to be happy eventually... The way I've been acting lately, I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one who leaves me. I'm unbearable.

He asked me this morning, after I wouldn't tell him what was wrong, why I deleted my Facebook. I'm pretty sure he was upset about it. I hope he doesn't think I'm trying to hide anything. I really just had to get rid of it because I've grown to completely despise and resent Facebook and what it does to people and how fucking god damned important and relevant it is and the giant fucking role it plays in everyone's lives. He used to always say he didn't like Facebook, that he only really used it to talk to me. I don't know if that was ever true, but it's most certainly not the case anymore. He talks to me the least on there. So, I really don't understand why he was so upset about me deleting a form of communication between us when it no longer serves that purpose for us. I told him he could still text me. I tried texting him already today a few hours after he left, and he hasn't responded yet. But, damn, at least now we only have one form of communication to keep up with. I couldn't stand going back and forth between text and Facebook for one conversation. I told him multiple times to CHOOSE ONE per conversation, and he never listened. He never does...

He slept on his shoulder wrong or something and was in a lot of pain all day today. I seriously doubt we'll see each other tonight. I get the feeling he won't be coming over, and I don't know if I'll go to his house. He's going to "take it easy" (hell, I told him to do that) tonight because of the pain. Which is fine. I hope that gets to feeling better soon. I already feel bad that it affected his potential band practice. I know how precious that is to him.

I feel like I'm a horrible person. I always turn it into my fault. You'd think we were in an abusive relationship because now every time I'm around him I speak rarely and quietly. Only speaking when spoken to and giving quick one-word answers as quietly as I can. I'm just constantly sad. It's a self-abusive relationship with myself. I always convince myself it is my fault. I am the cause, and I am to blame. And it always boils down to me feeling down because I KNOW I am irrational. I am completely out of line. I sound psycho in all of my previous posts. I am clingy. I am needy. I crave attention. I thought it stemmed from me caring so much. From loving him. He is something special that I've never had before. I've never felt this way for anyone in my life. Only him. ...But now I'm feeling uncertain. Insecure. Unhappy. I'm not sure if we can just talk this away. And, dammit, it can't be fucked away either. It's like the only time we are actually paying attention to each other or spending "quality" time together is during sex or sleep. Which is all we have been doing with each other lately. (Except on NYE of course, which was a fantastic night by the way. It was elated that night).

- - - - -

Well, looks like I actually am going to his house tonight. I'm waiting for this stuff to build up, so we're forced to talk about it. I'm sure I'll cry, which is why I don't want to talk about it... I've been too emotional lately. Too sensitive. It isn't me, and I'm kinda scared.

For all I know, tonight will be another night of staring at the wall while he spends all his time on Facebook talking to the people he has spent all his waking hours with. /insert sarcastic excitement here

- - - - -

We somewhat had a talk. And I didn't cry. In fact, it was quite easy to talk about it. He started to talk about, and then said, "I don't want to talk about it." And I said, "It might do some good to talk about it." So he paused the tv, and lay down, so we could talk with no distractions. Even in the car I had to slip that I can relate to his bassist. "We've both been replaced by the band." Since I'm sure an inevitable firing is in store for their bassist. Either way, we talked about it. Kinda. It feels like "kinda" anyway. I didn't feel any better afterward. I felt the same. It wasn't a relief or a huge weight off my shoulders or chest to get it off. It didn't feel like any kind of closure to this unhappiness I've been feeling. I don't know what I need. Maybe I'm just actually all-around depressed.