For these thoughts here to leave me.
I guess I'll talk about whatever has been on my mind... which is a lot.
So, I know a lot of times I'll mention something here and then say I'll talk about it "later." This is later.
In January, I went to South Carolina on a family trip to see Caleb. It was really fun, and Charleston is super nice. I had a lot of fun and took a lot of pictures. We visited beautiful downtown Charleston (there's not a lot to do there honestly), and we visited the beach at Isle of Palms. I would have had a lot more to say about this if I had written about it a lot sooner after it happened.
I turned 20 on March 2nd (obviously). Ryan's band Kneel Before None played a show in my hometown that night, along with a couple other local metal bands and this band from Pennsylvania called Ribbons. Ribbons were waaaay more my type of music. So I got to see John, Fonz, and Robert that night! The fact that I got to see those three made it a really good birthday because I haven't seen Robert since summer and John since last spring! And I haven't seen Fonz since, like, January, so it was just good to see all of them. I also got to see all the typical people I get to see at shows. My brothers' friends. My mom and dad and Josh and Johnny were there too. So my whole immediate family was there except Caleb who obviously couldn't be there cuz he's in South Carolina. He got to do something really fun on our birthday too, but I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about, so I won't.
Max was there too, but we didn't talk. We had to pretend like we don't know each other SO WELL haha. I think he was way better at it than I was. So, I hung out with Tony's girlfriend Natalie after Robert, Fonz, and John left, in that order. I guess hanging out with her will be my new routine at shows. She's cool though, so it's all good. Josh was being the neighborhood creep. If he wasn't my brother and I didn't know him, I'd be creeped out by him too. In his defense, he was absolutely not sober. He was all fucked up as usual. But he kept putting his hands on (underaged) girls' shoulders and he kissed one girl's hand and he was staring a lot. Just being all-around creepy.
Moving on.
Midterm week of school was a lot of work for me. I stayed in the art building til 11 a couple nights. Worked 9 hours out of class on a 3D project with Evan that we threw away in the end anyway. Hopefully we got a decent grade on it though. Not to mention all the tests. My not giving a fuck definitely affected my grades, but whatever.
Last weekend, I had another secret weekend rendezvous at Max's house. It was pretty hot if I do say so myself. While he was away at work on Sunday, I took a bunch of pictures with his cats while I waited for him to get home. He took me back to school Sunday night/Monday morning.
Monday, I went to Nana's house. It was a relaxing week. Slept in a lot. Went shopping a few times. Max was having a bad day one of those days, so I sent him the pictures of me with his cats, and I guess he really liked them.
Oh! Also on Monday, I dealt with P. FINALLY. We are at a full understanding now that we are not together and we are to be completely platonic. And by "we" I mean me. He understands the not together part, but not the platonic part. So I'm just going to not going to go around him. Won't be too hard. We never saw each other anyway.
I just really, really, really like Max too much to have exes fucking things up.
And about that...
Today, I've been really depressed. Of course, I haven't let it show. It's just that every single day for the last several days in a row, Max and I have scheduled a simple skype date. But every single time, he leaves me hanging. I'm available every single night, but he goes out, gets drunk, and/or just goes to sleep. And in my typical nature, I don't nag him about it. I just don't say anything about it and pretend like it's nothing. Except that it's really disheartening for me. I get my hopes up...
Next time he proposes a skype date (and he's always the one to propose, not me), I'm just going to have to turn him down. I'm not one to confront people with my problems, but when they bring it up, I use that as leverage to talk about it. (That's how I ended it with P).
Not to mention, he just hasn't been talking to me as much as usual. He'll quit talking to me all together, and the next day he'll talk to me only after I initiate it. So because of that, I've felt really down today. I feel like I'm falling into the same chasm as my last relationship. I keep trying to push those thoughts out of my mind, but it just feels so much like last time. I get upset when people can't make the minimal effort. And then I get more upset because I dislike myself for being so selfish and, I guess, attention-starved. It doesn't help that I'm nothing but alone these days. I like communication because it's all I've got right now...
I know I'm pathetic.
I've been overthinking everything he tells me because, I guess I know deep down this isn't true, but I feel like he's trying to convince himself more than me. I know I'm being a typical girl. I remind myself of this image http://www.damnlol.com/i/87049093f02d738544ccfc0e146cc87f.jpg
Another thing, it's my first day waking up in this dorm room again, and that ALWAYS makes me depressed. It would happen in Memphis too. First few days back always put me in a slump.
I just hope I can start being happy again soon. And that I start feeling the same way about him again soon because today I haven't felt it, and I'm terrified of the same thing happening to this relationship as my last one. It hasn't even had time to grow yet!
