Echo

If these plans fall through,
Honey, it's all on you
Because I've been waiting all night
Like I always do



I know I need to talk about the little things that bother me before they turn into big things, but I want to see if they'll make themselves known first.

Hysteria

I know you're coming in the night like a thief
But I've had some time, O Lord, to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

Chemical Imbalanace

I am in such a slump. FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. It really bothers me that this is completely unsolicited. I have no drive and all I want to do is sleep and not talk to anyone. But I have a test almost every day this week. I had an astronomy test this morning, a Type presentation and a Philosophy test tomorrow, a Type test Thursday, and an Astronomy lab and 3D project due Friday. I guess I wouldn't expect anything less from midterms week. I just need to get motivated...

My spring break is next week. I'm going to Nana's house. I'm going to try to spend this weekend with Max and THEN go to Nana's, but if it doesn't work out that way, I'll spend next weekend at his house. His spring break is the same as mine. Did I ever tell you he's in school? He doesn't go to the same college as I do obviously. He mostly does online classes so he can work. Anyway...

I got to see him the other night on my birthday. I will update this post with that story soon. I just really need to get stuff done now.

Date Night

Max and I went on a date last night. I've been really sick the last few days, but I didn't let that stop me. We didn't do anything extra special, just hung out at the Mall and stuff. But it's always a great time with him. I know it's super girly of me, but I just really like talking to him. We got to talk about a lot of things last night. I'm being as upfront and forward with him as I can, so I don't ruin this relationship like I did my last one. I think it's working well so far. We both learned a lot last night.

I know I've said this before, but I like that we talk about the fact that we're a secret. We tell each other who we've told. We somewhat discussed how/when we're going to tell everyone, but we really don't know. Laughed at the idea of dating for years and not telling anyone until we've eloped. People are bound to find out though.

Other than that, I've just been really sick and don't feel like doing anything.

Passive

You said it all saying nothing at all.

So, let me tell you about something that I should have mentioned weeks ago.

Last semester I hung out with Logan all the time. Like 4 times a week. And I met a lot of people and became friends with them. Tyler, Lee, Justin, Billy, Heather, Zach, Erin...

This semester Logan is back in a relationship with his old girlfriend.  That wouldn't be a problem, and I'm happy for him, but she seemingly hates me. She is admittedly jealous of me, and because of that, Logan and I aren't allowed to hang out. Technically, we are... as long as other people are there. I'm sure she would much rather he and I don't speak at all, so I'm doing her the favor and doing just that. He quit talking to me as soon as they started dating again anyway.

I used to still hang out with him on his lunch breaks at work, and that was it. Tyler would even join us! Until I realized Tyler was most likely there because Logan and I aren't allowed to be alone together. So, now I just take naps and don't go to his work at all.

Now I don't talk to him, and I definitely don't go to his house anymore (where I haven't been in 2 months). Because I don't want to put a strain on his relationship.

But because of her and this situation, I've pretty much lost all my friends from last semester. I'm sure they still consider us friends, but I never get to see them anymore or talk to them.

I guess I'm just a little confused. I've known Logan for 8 years now. He's literally just another brother to me. I have never flirted with him or given any indication that I would "steal him away" or whatever it is this girl is so worried about. And if I wanted to, I would have already when they were broken up and he and I were spending so much time together. This girl has serious trust issues




This semester I spend all my time outside of class alone in my room. I do actually talk to people in my classes this semester though. Something I've never been good at doing before. So, I've got some acquaintences at this school now. Unfortunately, half of them are guys who like me and I haven't let them on that I have a boyfriend because I'm afraid they won't talk to me anymore if they know. And I could use some friends...

Don't get me wrong, as always, I'm perfectly happy alone. I am by no means lonely.

And despite it all, I am still happy. I'm a little upset... A lot bit hurt that I've been cast out like this, but I don't need anyone who doesn't need me. I'm disappointed that he would choose an untrusting relationship over his friends. But he seems happy for the time being, and I'm not going to fuck that up.

At least I have Max (how I will be referring to A from now on). He makes me happy. Really, really happy. And I know I would be happy regardless because I never depend my happiness on other people, but he's just a big major bonus in my life right now. And he couldn't have come at a more perfect time!

Now see. With relationships, for me, timing is everything. I've passed up plenty of perfectly good relationship opportunities with perfectly fine people who I would have probably been perfectly happy with all because the timing was wrong. I wasn't ready. It was too soon after a breakup and I just wanted to be alone for awhile. Etc. Max just so happened to appear in that magical little window of "the right time."

I'd like to tell him this, but I'm not sure when or if the opportunity will arise.

There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how.

(cliched, I know)

We have a date on Friday cuz he'll be in my neck of the woods, and I'm excited!

So, in other news, all this solitary confinement may be aiding my productivity and way out of procrastination. I did my homework tonight and finished by 8pm, so now I'm just lying in bed about to sleep.