I've never had the urge to say it to anyone the way I want to say it to you
I don't cuz I know it's too soon
Much too soon
It can't be true
It's not, and I refuse to believe it
Not just now, but I don't believe it exists
Not in an eternal form anyway
I thought I was at a point where I could trust my emotions again. I'm not sure anymore.
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"You are my everything." Though still scary, this is strangely not as terrifying as it used to be.
I need to talk about my life here, and I need to quit being so worried about what I say here. I'm just terrified of someone I know finding it. So why don't I make it private, you ask? I guess I secretly want someone to know all these things that I keep secret. There are so many things that I don't tell people. You have no idea how good I am at keeping my mouth shut about personal things.
Hell, I never tell anyone anything about myself. Most of my friends don't know my politics or my religion (or lack thereof). You know, the things that are risque to talk about in mixed company, I suppose. Maybe it's an overwhelming fear of judgment.
In a sense, I feel comfortable/"safe" inside my little box shrouded in mystery. I like that people don't know too much about me. I think most people know just enough about me. Just the little things, like my favorite movies and my love for manatees.
Still, it would be nice to have someone to talk to. Everyone craves that bit of relief from releasing some weight off their shoulders.
And that is why this blog is aptly titled "Catharsis."
As Bukowski said, write it down or let it kill you.
(not an exact quote)
He watches my tv shows and movies and listens to my music. On his own time!
None of my other boyfriends would do that. I mean, we would watch tv and movies together, but they would never watch a movie just because I liked it. They would never watch every single episode of every season of some tv show that I had merely mentioned I *wanted* to see. They would never actively listen to a band that I offhandedly suggested. And they would never learn a song on guitar just because I said it was my favorite by that artist.
Granted, he watched the whole series because he genuinely liked it, and none of my past boyfriends played guitar. He's pretty sweet to at least look into the things I'm interested in (and I never even ask him to).
I didn't care that the others never did these things. I figured they were my own personal interests that made just me and myself happy.
But now I actually have things to TALK about with a boyfriend. Not to mention we have a past and know a lot of the same people.
See, I guess I appreciate the effort because I'm paranoid. With every new relationship or potential relationship, I have to consider the possibility of being played/used. I can't imagine a player would put in this kind of effort, so I feel he's genuinely interested.
Not that I ever had any doubts, but these are the motions I go through with every guy I get involved with. Fortunately for me, I feel my overcautiousness and real-time analyzing of every word and move have made me a pretty decent judge of character, and the people I choose to get involved with tend to be genuine people with no (that I could ever find) ulterior motives.
I'm kinda rambling now.
Anyway, with the people we both know, he knows it's not in his best interest to "hurt" me. Hell, he's worried about just being with me, but he reminds me all the time how happy he is that we're together. I know, I know, it's just the honeymoon phase, and I'm going through it as well. But I like to enjoy it while it lasts because who knows what comes after.
And, though I never had my doubts about him, I had to keep it in the back of my mind. After what happened the *first* time I went to his place... And the next... I couldn't help but consider what I might be getting into. He always has these things planned like we're gonna watch these movies and he's gonna play guitar, but those things never happen. And by the time it's time for me to go... Well, it's time to go. I noticed he just loses all inhibitions. I think the restraint parts of his brain shut off. I'm digressing, I know, but this whole blog post has just been a thought dump, so I'm letting it happen. I guess I just let a lot of things happen these days. That was a low blow at myself.
And anyway, since I'm talking about things I like about him because they're new to me, I've kinda gone full circle and come back to my original topic. That said, with the whole no inhibitions thing, he's aggressive, and I've discovered that I find it completely alluring. And the little voice in my head, though never silenced (thankfully), gets quieter, and my nerves shut off just like those parts of his brain. This is a new step for me because I'm so used to being SO nervous about things that I can't even enjoy them.
So, what I'm saying is, there's a lot of chemestry between us (as much as I hate to use that phrase), and we did move entirely too fast, but we're close now, and that takes most of nerves out of the newness. I'm not sure if this is a great set up for a great thing, or if we're going to crash and burn quicker than we got started. All I do know is that I'm on cloud nine for the time being, and that's all that matters.
I guess one day I'll explain our past and how we came to this.
But not tonight, for I sleep!
