Not A Beginning

Usually I make a post at the end of the year with some final thoughts about the year. I didn't do that this year. But maybe I'll do it sometime this month. It's just that... just because it's January 1st, doesn't necessarily mean it's a new start. A new start is going to a new school or getting a new job, or moving to a new house, city, state, etc... The date hardly indicates anything new.

We all know by now that I don't do New Year's Resolutions. I don't like to set myself up for failure. But this year my goals are as usual: to make good grades/maintain my GPA. And I'd also try to read at least one book a month (I can read more than that, but I'm always busy with school now). And of course I've got to try to procrastinate less.

I went to the mall recently. Got stuck in Bass Pro Shop because even though it is still connected to the mall, there is no entrance between the store and the mall... and then we went to Opryland to see the lights. I was walking in puddles the entire time because water had flooded my shoes... I chased a woman down for a good 5 minutes because she dropped her scarf. I don't know. I just really had to get it back to her.

I spent a couple days at Logan's house. I'm sad Caleb didn't get to meet the crew. He got to meet Lee though. We all went to World Market and Maggie Moo's. Then at Target I found $20 on the ground (I justified it as Karma for returning that woman's scarf).

I didn't do anything for New Year's Eve because I was having the most painful stomach cramps I've ever had. That's right. I said it. I laid in bed and watched Freaks and Geeks. I LOVE that show by the way.

Today I went to dad's house. Josh and Ashley are "temporarily" living with him. But I bet they'll stay until they get kicked out (like every other place they've stayed at in the last year).

More at 6

I often ask myself in these situations, "What am I getting myself into?"

We'll both find out tonight.

EDIT: I am back home. I want to talk about my night, but at the same time I don't. Some things are much too private to make public. I can't believe myself tonight, but I'm not upset with myself in the slightest.

So, I went to A's house tonight. We watched some stuff on Netflix. And that's all I can say.

I told myself so many times, "This shouldn't be happening." I don't mean that in a bad way. I guess. By no means do I have any regrets. It was just all a little fast.

We're keeping each other a secret. We have good reasons to, and, frankly, I love that it adds an element of thrill to the relationship. It is that now: a relationship. He's absolutely ecstatic about it. This is me sounding narcissistic, but I understand it. He doesn't know it, but I seem to have been a bit of a "hot commodity" the last few months. That's the only reason why I don't want to keep it a secret. So everyone else can quit trying to get with me. But we're definitely keeping it off of Facebook. I've always been good at keeping my business to myself. Except here. This is the sole place where I talk about my business.

As a matter of fact, I got told--again--today that I'm "mysterious." (Not by A). The best part about tonight is I didn't have to tell anybody where I was going or who I was with, and when I got back after 5-6 hours, no one asked. It feels good to not have to be evasive about it... yet. I won't lie. I can't do that. But I won't tell the truth. I'm good at telling little half-truths to get people off my back...

I could talk about tonight for a long time, but I've got a headache and I just want to lie down now. I have some business with someone else to clear up tomorrow... I've got to break away from P. It feels SO GOOD to be on this side of things. God, have the tables turned. He's in Michigan right now, but now I'm the wolf. I never thought I'd get my revenge, but I've gotten it.

"You are my soulshine"

I'm asking simple "what's your favorite..." questions, and your answers have so much substance. I love it.

In brief news, Caleb is back home on his two week leave. Lauren (Caleb's Lauren) is staying for awhile. Logan and Nick came over. I built a pillow fort. Nick is sleeping in it. Everyone else is asleep now. (it's 5am),  except me.

I'm in bed texting you-probably-know-who.

I'm in limbo.

Good night/morning.

- - - - -

You know what I want? What I really want in a person?

Someone who doesn't idolize me. Someone who treats me like a regular person.

I don't want to be treated like a princess.

I really kinda fucking hate even mentioning this because it sounds so narcissistic, conceited, what-have-you. But do you want to know how many people (men / boys) have called me their muse? A goddess? It's cute and sweet and I accept it as a great compliment, but I am not that. I am human. I exist on nothing but this physical, human plane. Would someone just treat me as such? I mean, I like feeling special sometimes to some people, but these people give me way too much credit.

What's wrong with me?

I am cursed.

We were never friends, and, man, I swear that that's okay

You say we're "friends again."

We weren't really friends before we got together. We just  kinda jumped into it.

I never felt that "best friend" connection while we were together.

We can't be friends now, especially not "again."

We were never friends.

After you showed your ass, I really didn't want anything to do with you again. And I still don't.

I moved on before it was even over.

I thought you had moved on and that it was finally okay for me to, but you obviously haven't moved an inch.

Please just go.

Leave me alone.

I'm hoping when I make this leap and physically move on, you will finally get the message that I am not interested. I am not waiting for you. You are absolutely fucking delusional, and I can't fucking stand it.

I'm taking this step.

This Time

I want to say I've never felt this way before, but I have.

I want to say this time is different and that it won't end the same... This I can't predict. But I can hope.

I hope my doubts are wrong.