Every time I start to get involved with someone, it feels wrong. I feel like I shouldn't be doing it.
So, I usually withdraw from them.
I'm not sure how to do it this time (or if I will at all) because this person and I have a very long past; we just weren't present in each others' the last few years.
There's one person who it never feels wrong with. Perhaps because the potential harm I could cause doesn't seem so bad. Like he deserves. I'm sure anyone could guess who I mean.
I often write about how blessings are curses. Mine is really starting to get to me.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Always Where I Need To Be
I can't keep up with my own life right now.
I'm always doing something every day. I definitely haven't had the time to write.
My classes are going well, I guess. I like all of them except Art History. I made a 75 on the first exam. I never do that poorly. I almost regret taking Honors. I'm considering dropping out of the Honors program because I honestly don't see benefit of it. If I graduate with Honors, will that really make my degree look better. Will potential employers really care? It seems so meaningless.
Anyway. I spend a lot of my time at Logan's house. I've lent my camera to Das Houuse, so they've been having a lot of fun with it, mostly Billy. When I first met Billy, he was a bit iffy. But he has grown on me, and he's a pretty hilarious dude. I felt a little uncomfortable with the whole crew when I first met them all, but I've gotten comfortable with them, and I enjoy hanging out with them now. Lee and I stayed up til 7am last weekend just talking about movies, food, and music. That was fun. The puppy was sick for awhile. Logan and I took him to the vet. He has medicine now, and he's doing A LOT better.
Um... I know there were a few specific things I was going to talk about here, but now I can't remember. So much stuff happens all the time! >.<
Logan and I went shopping last week. We ate at Culver's, which I've never had before. That place is awesome! Then we spent a lot of time in The World Market. I very much like that place. I'm going to buy everyone's Christmas gifts from there. Then we went to Hasting's which is a cheap store with EVERYTHING. That place was cool too. Oh, and we went to Books-a-Million. I bought a few books.
The week before that, Dillon and I hung out. It always seems like it's going to be a bit weird to hang out with him alone without Nikki there, but it never is. We had a lot of fun. We went to Books-a-Million, and I bought books that time too. All-in-all, I spent about $50 on five books, which is a pretty damn good bargain considering how expensive books are. We went to Waffle House afterwards and had fun.
I'll continue this later. I'm going to get lunch with Logan now.
So, anyway. At Waffle House, Dillon was looking through the jukebox, and the cook (who is about our age) asked, "You're not those people who play Justin Beiber and leave, are you?" But then Dillon played Phil Collins and the cook said, "Sir, if you're trying to seduce me, it's working." And we kinda talked to him for a minute. When Comfortable Numb came on, the cook said that next time we come in there, he'll make our food extra good just for playing that song. But the reason Dillon and I were hanging out one last time is because he moved back to Memphis the next day. We told the guy that, and Dillon is (hopefully) coming to MTSU next year. I think it will be awesome if we go into that same Waffle House next year and the guy remembers us.
So, I'm going home this weekend. I went home a few weekends ago for Winter's birthday. I guess I haven't talked about that since I don't talk about anything here anymore. It was fun. But that's the first time I've been home since school started. I kinda thought I'd be going home every other weekend what with being much closer than Memphis this year, but nope! Oh, well. I wish I had my own house, and a car, and a job... So I could be completely independent from my family. It'll happen one day. Then again, I don't want those things because I'm postponing growing up as long as possible. That's the main reason I'm even still in college.
Um... anyway. I'm trying to get out of this "mandatory" floor meeting tonight, so I can go to Logan's house tonight. And if I can't get out of it, I'll just catch up on The Voice and go to it bed early after it's over.
I feel like there's so much more to say here, but I'm done for now. I think a very personal post is in store for the near future.
I'm always doing something every day. I definitely haven't had the time to write.
My classes are going well, I guess. I like all of them except Art History. I made a 75 on the first exam. I never do that poorly. I almost regret taking Honors. I'm considering dropping out of the Honors program because I honestly don't see benefit of it. If I graduate with Honors, will that really make my degree look better. Will potential employers really care? It seems so meaningless.
Anyway. I spend a lot of my time at Logan's house. I've lent my camera to Das Houuse, so they've been having a lot of fun with it, mostly Billy. When I first met Billy, he was a bit iffy. But he has grown on me, and he's a pretty hilarious dude. I felt a little uncomfortable with the whole crew when I first met them all, but I've gotten comfortable with them, and I enjoy hanging out with them now. Lee and I stayed up til 7am last weekend just talking about movies, food, and music. That was fun. The puppy was sick for awhile. Logan and I took him to the vet. He has medicine now, and he's doing A LOT better.
Um... I know there were a few specific things I was going to talk about here, but now I can't remember. So much stuff happens all the time! >.<
Logan and I went shopping last week. We ate at Culver's, which I've never had before. That place is awesome! Then we spent a lot of time in The World Market. I very much like that place. I'm going to buy everyone's Christmas gifts from there. Then we went to Hasting's which is a cheap store with EVERYTHING. That place was cool too. Oh, and we went to Books-a-Million. I bought a few books.
The week before that, Dillon and I hung out. It always seems like it's going to be a bit weird to hang out with him alone without Nikki there, but it never is. We had a lot of fun. We went to Books-a-Million, and I bought books that time too. All-in-all, I spent about $50 on five books, which is a pretty damn good bargain considering how expensive books are. We went to Waffle House afterwards and had fun.
I'll continue this later. I'm going to get lunch with Logan now.
So, anyway. At Waffle House, Dillon was looking through the jukebox, and the cook (who is about our age) asked, "You're not those people who play Justin Beiber and leave, are you?" But then Dillon played Phil Collins and the cook said, "Sir, if you're trying to seduce me, it's working." And we kinda talked to him for a minute. When Comfortable Numb came on, the cook said that next time we come in there, he'll make our food extra good just for playing that song. But the reason Dillon and I were hanging out one last time is because he moved back to Memphis the next day. We told the guy that, and Dillon is (hopefully) coming to MTSU next year. I think it will be awesome if we go into that same Waffle House next year and the guy remembers us.
So, I'm going home this weekend. I went home a few weekends ago for Winter's birthday. I guess I haven't talked about that since I don't talk about anything here anymore. It was fun. But that's the first time I've been home since school started. I kinda thought I'd be going home every other weekend what with being much closer than Memphis this year, but nope! Oh, well. I wish I had my own house, and a car, and a job... So I could be completely independent from my family. It'll happen one day. Then again, I don't want those things because I'm postponing growing up as long as possible. That's the main reason I'm even still in college.
Um... anyway. I'm trying to get out of this "mandatory" floor meeting tonight, so I can go to Logan's house tonight. And if I can't get out of it, I'll just catch up on The Voice and go to it bed early after it's over.
I feel like there's so much more to say here, but I'm done for now. I think a very personal post is in store for the near future.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Under(pitch black)water
I was in some sort of operation. Whether alone or hired by someone else, I'm not sure. There are political undertones, and a lot of random stuff happened leading up to this point, but this is the important part. I was standing on a bridge. I was on one side and a rich man (who I was in a sting against) was on the other side. Like, the edges of the bridge. On either side, by the water. I had his dog on the side with me, holding it's collar. I was threatening to push it in the water. He was trying to talk me out of it. He couldn't walk to my side of the bridge or it would tip. His adult son came to my side. At first it looked like he was on his dad's side, and I was unaware of his intentions, but he started making the effort to push the dog over the bridge too. The rich man came to our side of the bridge and it tipped into the water. We all fell in. The son and I were in his house. It was underwater, upside down, filling with water. It was dark, save for a few lights on it the house. Every time we were in a hallway, the son would have a memory of the house, like seeing his mother or little brother standing at the end of the hallway. We waited for it to fill with water, then we'd swim to the other side to the next level. The events would repeat: The son would see a memory of someone at the end of the hallway, the hallway would fill with water, going dark, and we'd swim to the next level.
It was scary only after I woke up. Swimming in pitch blackness with nowhere to come up for air is a terrifying thought.
But that's the dream I just woke up from.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Part 2: MTSU
I've been a bit under the weather today, so I didn't get done all that I wanted to get done. I actually only did my Graphic Tech homework. Which is fine because it's the only thing due tomorrow, but I'd like to quit procrastinating...
Anyway, so I obviously no longer go to Memphis. I go to a school much closer to home. It's a real school! The biggest university in the state actually. I went from a school with 400 students to one with 25,000 students. It's kinda cool I guess.
Fuck. My medicine is kicking in.
The first night I was here, I went to a party. Here's what I said about the party somewhere else: SO, the party.
I met a lot of people, like the house VIPs came over a bit earlier. The VIPs are the close friends of the people who live there (I'm one!) and the regulars who also visit more often than just parties. I've never been to a party where random strangers just show up. I've only been to the kind where everyone knows everyone, or unknown people are there WITH someone you know. So, I met a lot of people, and it was cool. I hung out with a group of people who don't even go to school here, but they were cool and I got one of their numbers and we've been talking. At one point in the night, there was a cat! It lives in the neighborhood somewhere, and it just showed up. (The party was outside mostly-only VIPs got to go in the house). The cat was super friendly. Me and my group of people discussed how much we love cats lol. Oh! And I convinced Grizzly to come to the party, and I hung out with him there. He lives literally RIGHT behind Logan's house in the apartment complex on the other side of the fence. All he had to do was jump the fence haha. So, that was convenient and coincidental! And there's a pear tree in the back yard, and some dudes picked some pears off the tree, and one of the guys in my little group was eating one, and he looked over and saw the tree and was like, "Dude... did this pear come off of that tree? THIS IS THE MOST ORGANIC THING I'VE EVER EATEN! This is amazing. Did you know this pear came off of that tree?" And we all said yeah and then he apologized for being so drunk, but other than the cat that was probably my favorite part of the night because it was so funny. Then a bunch of sketchy drunk guys showed up and were just being kind of annoying the whole time. Oh, and at one point during the night, Nikki called me, so I stepped away from the party for about 20 minutes just to talk to her because she's important haha. So when the party was finally winding down I was sitting in the living room with Logan and Tyler and one of the VIP guys who is very obviously ADHD (even when he's not drunk) got into a fight with his girlfriend. And apparently she was pissed off because he did coke. So he got a little physical with her, and they kept fighting for awhile. And then the sketchy group of guys tried to steal the keg, but their dumbasses tried to get it over the fence, and they couldn't cuz kegs are pretty fucking heavy, and some other people got it back before they could take it and they left. Later, one of the dudes from their group ran into the house (after the party was pretty much over) and was saying stuff like, "Hey, my friends are a little pissed off and they're coming back here. I ran ahead of them to let you know. There's about 12 of them they're really pissed off and they have baseball bats and katanas and shit, and I really don't want you to go outside because I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I just wanted to let you know." That's the extremely short version of what he was saying. ANd he mentioned his black bandana around his neck (they all had black bandanas) and said he only wears it cuz he's against the government and that he's not violent at all and he's passive, but his friends are not. And I guess they're in some sort of gang or something I don't know. Lee (one of the housemates), did go outside but said it was only his own friends out there and he never saw dude's with weapons. And then I fell asleep around 5 and was woken up a little before 8am by a cop banging on the door because someone ran over the neighbor's mailbox and she was upset about it and called the cops. The mailbox was pretty demolished though.
I'm in four classes right now: Graphic Design Technologies, 2D Design, Honors Art History I, and Honors Literature.
I'm so glad I dropped 2D twice last year because it's so much better at this school. Also, I took Art History Survey I in Memphis, but that one is considered Survey II here. So, I have credits for this school's version of Survey II and III. So, now I'm taking this school's Survey I, which is a class I haven't had. It's non-western art, which is nice for a change, but it's my third art history class and I'm finding it really hard to make myself care.
So, classes have been going fine. I haven't stressed myself out yet. This week may get a little stressful because I have to read a lot and write a paper by Wednesday just for one class. I don't know what kind of homework I'll have in my other classes.
Things are definitely a bit more slow-paced here. I kinda like it. I'm not very quick at making friends though because I'm so introverted. I mostly hang out with the people I already know. I spend half my time at Logan's house with him and his housemates. It's nice though because they're all dudes, and I much prefer male company. It's also really nice because none of them hit on me.
So, Michael texted me last night, and I thought his timing was extremely coincidental because I had just made that last post. But he wanted us to be just friends. Which is kind of what we've been doing anyway, but we don't act like just friends. I agreed that that was probably for the best. But this morning he sent me another message wishing he could take back what he said because he said he didn't mind waiting for me. I wish people wouldn't "wait" on me. It makes me feel rushed and uncomfortable because I can't guarantee that I'm going to get together with someone. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm leading them on. I told him that I think we should just be friends, which means no more kissing and stuff, and he was understanding. One of my favorite qualities of his is his understanding. I always expect people to act irrationally because that's what I'm used to, so it's always pleasantly surprising when he is so understanding.
I've got other things to talk about, but I'm really making it a chore to write here, so I'm going to try to write more tomorrow.
Anyway, so I obviously no longer go to Memphis. I go to a school much closer to home. It's a real school! The biggest university in the state actually. I went from a school with 400 students to one with 25,000 students. It's kinda cool I guess.
Fuck. My medicine is kicking in.
The first night I was here, I went to a party. Here's what I said about the party somewhere else: SO, the party.
I met a lot of people, like the house VIPs came over a bit earlier. The VIPs are the close friends of the people who live there (I'm one!) and the regulars who also visit more often than just parties. I've never been to a party where random strangers just show up. I've only been to the kind where everyone knows everyone, or unknown people are there WITH someone you know. So, I met a lot of people, and it was cool. I hung out with a group of people who don't even go to school here, but they were cool and I got one of their numbers and we've been talking. At one point in the night, there was a cat! It lives in the neighborhood somewhere, and it just showed up. (The party was outside mostly-only VIPs got to go in the house). The cat was super friendly. Me and my group of people discussed how much we love cats lol. Oh! And I convinced Grizzly to come to the party, and I hung out with him there. He lives literally RIGHT behind Logan's house in the apartment complex on the other side of the fence. All he had to do was jump the fence haha. So, that was convenient and coincidental! And there's a pear tree in the back yard, and some dudes picked some pears off the tree, and one of the guys in my little group was eating one, and he looked over and saw the tree and was like, "Dude... did this pear come off of that tree? THIS IS THE MOST ORGANIC THING I'VE EVER EATEN! This is amazing. Did you know this pear came off of that tree?" And we all said yeah and then he apologized for being so drunk, but other than the cat that was probably my favorite part of the night because it was so funny. Then a bunch of sketchy drunk guys showed up and were just being kind of annoying the whole time. Oh, and at one point during the night, Nikki called me, so I stepped away from the party for about 20 minutes just to talk to her because she's important haha. So when the party was finally winding down I was sitting in the living room with Logan and Tyler and one of the VIP guys who is very obviously ADHD (even when he's not drunk) got into a fight with his girlfriend. And apparently she was pissed off because he did coke. So he got a little physical with her, and they kept fighting for awhile. And then the sketchy group of guys tried to steal the keg, but their dumbasses tried to get it over the fence, and they couldn't cuz kegs are pretty fucking heavy, and some other people got it back before they could take it and they left. Later, one of the dudes from their group ran into the house (after the party was pretty much over) and was saying stuff like, "Hey, my friends are a little pissed off and they're coming back here. I ran ahead of them to let you know. There's about 12 of them they're really pissed off and they have baseball bats and katanas and shit, and I really don't want you to go outside because I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I just wanted to let you know." That's the extremely short version of what he was saying. ANd he mentioned his black bandana around his neck (they all had black bandanas) and said he only wears it cuz he's against the government and that he's not violent at all and he's passive, but his friends are not. And I guess they're in some sort of gang or something I don't know. Lee (one of the housemates), did go outside but said it was only his own friends out there and he never saw dude's with weapons. And then I fell asleep around 5 and was woken up a little before 8am by a cop banging on the door because someone ran over the neighbor's mailbox and she was upset about it and called the cops. The mailbox was pretty demolished though.
I'm in four classes right now: Graphic Design Technologies, 2D Design, Honors Art History I, and Honors Literature.
I'm so glad I dropped 2D twice last year because it's so much better at this school. Also, I took Art History Survey I in Memphis, but that one is considered Survey II here. So, I have credits for this school's version of Survey II and III. So, now I'm taking this school's Survey I, which is a class I haven't had. It's non-western art, which is nice for a change, but it's my third art history class and I'm finding it really hard to make myself care.
So, classes have been going fine. I haven't stressed myself out yet. This week may get a little stressful because I have to read a lot and write a paper by Wednesday just for one class. I don't know what kind of homework I'll have in my other classes.
Things are definitely a bit more slow-paced here. I kinda like it. I'm not very quick at making friends though because I'm so introverted. I mostly hang out with the people I already know. I spend half my time at Logan's house with him and his housemates. It's nice though because they're all dudes, and I much prefer male company. It's also really nice because none of them hit on me.
So, Michael texted me last night, and I thought his timing was extremely coincidental because I had just made that last post. But he wanted us to be just friends. Which is kind of what we've been doing anyway, but we don't act like just friends. I agreed that that was probably for the best. But this morning he sent me another message wishing he could take back what he said because he said he didn't mind waiting for me. I wish people wouldn't "wait" on me. It makes me feel rushed and uncomfortable because I can't guarantee that I'm going to get together with someone. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm leading them on. I told him that I think we should just be friends, which means no more kissing and stuff, and he was understanding. One of my favorite qualities of his is his understanding. I always expect people to act irrationally because that's what I'm used to, so it's always pleasantly surprising when he is so understanding.
I've got other things to talk about, but I'm really making it a chore to write here, so I'm going to try to write more tomorrow.
Part 1: Summer 2012
I'm by myself on a Saturday night. For the first time in a very, very long time. So, here's the post I've been meaning to write for months. As much as I'd like to go into as much detail as possible about the events I'm about to discuss, it has just been too long and I've put this off and I just want it all down at this point.
This has been a strange year full of new experiences and tough decisions. I realize every year from now on is going to be like this, and I guess I'm prepared for that.
I had a very interesting summer that was different than any other I've ever had. My eyes have been opened and closed at the same time. I've never felt so desired before in my life. I don't understand it.
I met Robert. Who recently told me he loves me. Or "loved." I don't know. I don't understand love. I told him he was mistaking love for infatuation, but he's sure that he isn't. I could go into so much more detail (I'm sure I've mentioned him in some of my other posts from the summer maybe?), but I guess I'll leave it at that. I've got a lot more to talk about...
I feel like I've got Michael on a string. Not intentionally. He tied it around himself. If I had dated anyone over the summer, it would probably have been him. We act like we already are... which is his argument. He wants us to date, but I keep saying no. He says nothing would change, and it's true because we basically already are dating. In his eyes. He just doesn't understand that I can't commit. If we're not officially dating, I'm not committing. I'm keeping it that way. If I were him, I would have just given up by now. I'm fucking difficult and confusing and above all indecisive. I know he has realized this, and I don't do it on purpose. It affects me too.
I saw Shane for the first time since that time we played darts (however long ago that was... I tried to find the post, but it may have been on my old blog). Afterwards, he confessed his undying love for me. Just kidding; it wasn't that dramatic. But he did confess that he liked me. Which is a bit strange because he's 26, and I've known him for at least10 years. Probably longer than that. He's a good guy though. I had to tell him I'm not interested at this moment in time to be anything more than friends. Something I've had to tell several people lately...
Pamp turned 18. I saw him the weekend of his birthday. Labor Day weekend. I was out of school for four days, so I stayed at Nana's. It was a really nice time. I'm going to be stupid and admit that I'll always be hung up on him. I don't get it and I don't like it, but I like him still more than anyone. So, naturally, we were pretty close that weekend. I mean, you have no idea how good of a time it was. And this is the part that's been on my mind for months. I'm really starting to believe that maybe he's for real (or I'm being brainwashed by either him or myself). I don't know. I mean, I don't think a "player," would wrap his arms around you in front of his family. Later that night we went to lake with my cousin and his girlfriend. He and I went and sat on the dock and talked. He stayed the night, and the next day we washed my cousin's jeep. It was all just so... suburban. Haha, I can't think of a word to describe the picture in my mind. We hugged a lot. We kissed a lot. Then I came back to school.
And that's that. Only it's not just that. He keeps wanting to date, and I'm so tempted. I keep telling him that: I'm tempted, but I can't. Not right now.
I. Can. Not. Commit.
I feel so bad for doing this to these people. I can't just lay it all out on the line and tell them straight up. I can't answer why. I just don't want a relationship. I am not relationship-oriented. I have never felt I needed one. I am perfectly happy on my own. I do relationships on the side, when I feel like doing something different for a change. I just got out of a year-long relationship, and would like to keep this current "different for a change" that I'm doing, a.k.a: being single.
And everything I just said, as much as it is, is all in a very tiny nutshell. And that was just pieces of my summer. The people pieces. The boy pieces. The pieces that have kind of stressed me out because they're new pieces and I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things.
So, I'm at school now. New school and such. I'd keep writing and saying how it has been going, but there is a lot to say, and it's already past 1am, and I'm about to take these pills here and force myself to sleep like I've done every night for the last couple months.
I'll update with Part 2 tomorrow! Full of all the exciting and interesting details of my life since school started! And, ohhhh, there's a lot!
This has been a strange year full of new experiences and tough decisions. I realize every year from now on is going to be like this, and I guess I'm prepared for that.
I had a very interesting summer that was different than any other I've ever had. My eyes have been opened and closed at the same time. I've never felt so desired before in my life. I don't understand it.
I met Robert. Who recently told me he loves me. Or "loved." I don't know. I don't understand love. I told him he was mistaking love for infatuation, but he's sure that he isn't. I could go into so much more detail (I'm sure I've mentioned him in some of my other posts from the summer maybe?), but I guess I'll leave it at that. I've got a lot more to talk about...
I feel like I've got Michael on a string. Not intentionally. He tied it around himself. If I had dated anyone over the summer, it would probably have been him. We act like we already are... which is his argument. He wants us to date, but I keep saying no. He says nothing would change, and it's true because we basically already are dating. In his eyes. He just doesn't understand that I can't commit. If we're not officially dating, I'm not committing. I'm keeping it that way. If I were him, I would have just given up by now. I'm fucking difficult and confusing and above all indecisive. I know he has realized this, and I don't do it on purpose. It affects me too.
I saw Shane for the first time since that time we played darts (however long ago that was... I tried to find the post, but it may have been on my old blog). Afterwards, he confessed his undying love for me. Just kidding; it wasn't that dramatic. But he did confess that he liked me. Which is a bit strange because he's 26, and I've known him for at least10 years. Probably longer than that. He's a good guy though. I had to tell him I'm not interested at this moment in time to be anything more than friends. Something I've had to tell several people lately...
Pamp turned 18. I saw him the weekend of his birthday. Labor Day weekend. I was out of school for four days, so I stayed at Nana's. It was a really nice time. I'm going to be stupid and admit that I'll always be hung up on him. I don't get it and I don't like it, but I like him still more than anyone. So, naturally, we were pretty close that weekend. I mean, you have no idea how good of a time it was. And this is the part that's been on my mind for months. I'm really starting to believe that maybe he's for real (or I'm being brainwashed by either him or myself). I don't know. I mean, I don't think a "player," would wrap his arms around you in front of his family. Later that night we went to lake with my cousin and his girlfriend. He and I went and sat on the dock and talked. He stayed the night, and the next day we washed my cousin's jeep. It was all just so... suburban. Haha, I can't think of a word to describe the picture in my mind. We hugged a lot. We kissed a lot. Then I came back to school.
And that's that. Only it's not just that. He keeps wanting to date, and I'm so tempted. I keep telling him that: I'm tempted, but I can't. Not right now.
I. Can. Not. Commit.
I feel so bad for doing this to these people. I can't just lay it all out on the line and tell them straight up. I can't answer why. I just don't want a relationship. I am not relationship-oriented. I have never felt I needed one. I am perfectly happy on my own. I do relationships on the side, when I feel like doing something different for a change. I just got out of a year-long relationship, and would like to keep this current "different for a change" that I'm doing, a.k.a: being single.
And everything I just said, as much as it is, is all in a very tiny nutshell. And that was just pieces of my summer. The people pieces. The boy pieces. The pieces that have kind of stressed me out because they're new pieces and I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things.
So, I'm at school now. New school and such. I'd keep writing and saying how it has been going, but there is a lot to say, and it's already past 1am, and I'm about to take these pills here and force myself to sleep like I've done every night for the last couple months.
I'll update with Part 2 tomorrow! Full of all the exciting and interesting details of my life since school started! And, ohhhh, there's a lot!
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