Under(pitch black)water

I was in some sort of operation. Whether alone or hired by someone else, I'm not sure. There are political undertones, and a lot of random stuff happened leading up to this point, but this is the important part. I was standing on a bridge. I was on one side and a rich man (who I was in a sting against) was on the other side. Like, the edges of the bridge. On either side, by the water. I had his dog on the side with me, holding it's collar. I was threatening to push it in the water. He was trying to talk me out of it. He couldn't walk to my side of the bridge or it would tip. His adult son came to my side. At first it looked like he was on his dad's side, and I was unaware of his intentions, but he started making the effort to push the dog over the bridge too. The rich man came to our side of the bridge and it tipped into the water. We all fell in. The son and I were in his house. It was underwater, upside down, filling with water. It was dark, save for a few lights on it the house. Every time we were in a hallway, the son would have a memory of the house, like seeing his mother or little brother standing at the end of the hallway. We waited for it to fill with water, then we'd swim to the other side to the next level. The events would repeat: The son would see a memory of someone at the end of the hallway, the hallway would fill with water, going dark, and we'd swim to the next level. It was scary only after I woke up. Swimming in pitch blackness with nowhere to come up for air is a terrifying thought. But that's the dream I just woke up from.

Part 2: MTSU

I've been a bit under the weather today, so I didn't get done all that I wanted to get done. I actually only did my Graphic Tech homework. Which is fine because it's the only thing due tomorrow, but I'd like to quit procrastinating...

Anyway, so I obviously no longer go to Memphis. I go to a school much closer to home. It's a real school! The biggest university in the state actually. I went from a school with 400 students to one with 25,000 students. It's kinda cool I guess.

Fuck. My medicine is kicking in.

The first night I was here, I went to a party. Here's what I said about the party somewhere else: SO, the party.

I met a lot of people, like the house VIPs came over a bit earlier. The VIPs are the close friends of the people who live there (I'm one!) and the regulars who also visit more often than just parties. I've never been to a party where random strangers just show up. I've only been to the kind where everyone knows everyone, or unknown people are there WITH someone you know. So, I met a lot of people, and it was cool. I hung out with a group of people who don't even go to school here, but they were cool and I got one of their numbers and we've been talking. At one point in the night, there was a cat! It lives in the neighborhood somewhere, and it just showed up. (The party was outside mostly-only VIPs got to go in the house). The cat was super friendly. Me and my group of people discussed how much we love cats lol. Oh! And I convinced Grizzly to come to the party, and I hung out with him there. He lives literally RIGHT behind Logan's house in the apartment complex on the other side of the fence. All he had to do was jump the fence haha. So, that was convenient and coincidental! And there's a pear tree in the back yard, and some dudes picked some pears off the tree, and one of the guys in my little group was eating one, and he looked over and saw the tree and was like, "Dude... did this pear come off of that tree? THIS IS THE MOST ORGANIC THING I'VE EVER EATEN! This is amazing. Did you know this pear came off of that tree?" And we all said yeah and then he apologized for being so drunk, but other than the cat that was probably my favorite part of the night because it was so funny. Then a bunch of sketchy drunk guys showed up and were just being kind of annoying the whole time. Oh, and at one point during the night, Nikki called me, so I stepped away from the party for about 20 minutes just to talk to her because she's important haha. So when the party was finally winding down I was sitting in the living room with Logan and Tyler and one of the VIP guys who is very obviously ADHD (even when he's not drunk) got into a fight with his girlfriend. And apparently she was pissed off because he did coke. So he got a little physical with her, and they kept fighting for awhile. And then the sketchy group of guys tried to steal the keg, but their dumbasses tried to get it over the fence, and they couldn't cuz kegs are pretty fucking heavy, and some other people got it back before they could take it and they left. Later, one of the dudes from their group ran into the house (after the party was pretty much over) and was saying stuff like, "Hey, my friends are a little pissed off and they're coming back here. I ran ahead of them to let you know. There's about 12 of them they're really pissed off and they have baseball bats and katanas and shit, and I really don't want you to go outside because I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I just wanted to let you know." That's the extremely short version of what he was saying. ANd he mentioned his black bandana around his neck (they all had black bandanas) and said he only wears it cuz he's against the government and that he's not violent at all and he's passive, but his friends are not. And I guess they're in some sort of gang or something I don't know. Lee (one of the housemates), did go outside but said it was only his own friends out there and he never saw dude's with weapons. And then I fell asleep around 5 and was woken up a little before 8am by a cop banging on the door because someone ran over the neighbor's mailbox and she was upset about it and called the cops. The mailbox was pretty demolished though.

I'm in four classes right now: Graphic Design Technologies, 2D Design, Honors Art History I, and Honors Literature.

I'm so glad I dropped 2D twice last year because it's so much better at this school. Also, I took Art History Survey I in Memphis, but that one is considered Survey II here. So, I have credits for this school's version of Survey II and III. So, now I'm taking this school's Survey I, which is a class I haven't had. It's non-western art, which is nice for a change, but it's my third art history class and I'm finding it really hard to make myself care.

So, classes have been going fine. I haven't stressed myself out yet. This week may get a little stressful because I have to read a lot and write a paper by Wednesday just for one class. I don't know what kind of homework I'll have in my other classes.

Things are definitely a bit more slow-paced here. I kinda like it. I'm not very quick at making friends though because I'm so introverted. I mostly hang out with the people I already know. I spend half my time at Logan's house with him and his housemates. It's nice though because they're all dudes, and I much prefer male company. It's also really nice because none of them hit on me.

So, Michael texted me last night, and I thought his timing was extremely coincidental because I had just made that last post. But he wanted us to be just friends. Which is kind of what we've been doing anyway, but we don't act like just friends. I agreed that that was probably for the best. But this morning he sent me another message wishing he could take back what he said because he said he didn't mind waiting for me. I wish people wouldn't "wait" on me. It makes me feel rushed and uncomfortable because I can't guarantee that I'm going to get together with someone. It makes me feel guilty because I feel like I'm leading them on. I told him that I think we should just be friends, which means no more kissing and stuff, and he was understanding. One of my favorite qualities of his is his understanding. I always expect people to act irrationally because that's what I'm used to, so it's always pleasantly surprising when he is so understanding.

I've got other things to talk about, but I'm really making it a chore to write here, so I'm going to try to write more tomorrow.

Part 1: Summer 2012

I'm by myself on a Saturday night. For the first time in a very, very long time. So, here's the post I've been meaning to write for months. As much as I'd like to go into as much detail as possible about the events I'm about to discuss, it has just been too long and I've put this off and I just want it all down at this point.

This has been a strange year full of new experiences and tough decisions. I realize every year from now on is going to be like this, and I guess I'm prepared for that.

I had a very interesting summer that was different than any other I've ever had. My eyes have been opened and closed at the same time. I've never felt so desired before in my life. I don't understand it.

I met Robert. Who recently told me he loves me. Or "loved." I don't know. I don't understand love. I told him he was mistaking love for infatuation, but he's sure that he isn't. I could go into so much more detail (I'm sure I've mentioned him in some of my other posts from the summer maybe?), but I guess I'll leave it at that. I've got a lot more to talk about...

I feel like I've got Michael on a string. Not intentionally. He tied it around himself. If I had dated anyone over the summer, it would probably have been him. We act like we already are... which is his argument. He wants us to date, but I keep saying no. He says nothing would change, and it's true because we basically already are dating. In his eyes. He just doesn't understand that I can't commit. If we're not officially dating, I'm not committing. I'm keeping it that way. If I were him, I would have just given up by now. I'm fucking difficult and confusing and above all indecisive. I know he has realized this, and I don't do it on purpose. It affects me too.

I saw Shane for the first time since that time we played darts (however long ago that was... I tried to find the post, but it may have been on my old blog). Afterwards, he confessed his undying love for me. Just kidding; it wasn't that dramatic. But he did confess that he liked me. Which is a bit strange because he's 26, and I've known him for at least10 years. Probably longer than that. He's a good guy though. I had to tell him I'm not interested at this moment in time to be anything more than friends. Something I've had to tell several people lately...

Pamp turned 18. I saw him the weekend of his birthday. Labor Day weekend. I was out of school for four days, so I stayed at Nana's. It was a really nice time. I'm going to be stupid and admit that I'll always be hung up on him. I don't get it and I don't like it, but I like him still more than anyone. So, naturally, we were pretty close that weekend. I mean, you have no idea how good of a time it was. And this is the part that's been on my mind for months. I'm really starting to believe that maybe he's for real (or I'm being brainwashed by either him or myself). I don't know. I mean, I don't think a "player," would wrap his arms around you in front of his family. Later that night we went to lake with my cousin and his girlfriend. He and I went and sat on the dock and talked. He stayed the night, and the next day we washed my cousin's jeep. It was all just so... suburban. Haha, I can't think of a word to describe the picture in my mind. We hugged a lot. We kissed a lot. Then I came back to school.

And that's that. Only it's not just that. He keeps wanting to date, and I'm so tempted. I keep telling him that: I'm tempted, but I can't. Not right now.

I. Can. Not. Commit.

I feel so bad for doing this to these people. I can't just lay it all out on the line and tell them straight up. I can't answer why. I just don't want a relationship. I am not relationship-oriented. I have never felt I needed one. I am perfectly happy on my own. I do relationships on the side, when I feel like doing something different for a change. I just got out of a year-long relationship, and would like to keep this current "different for a change" that I'm doing, a.k.a: being single.

And everything I just said, as much as it is, is all in a very tiny nutshell. And that was just pieces of my summer. The people pieces. The boy pieces. The pieces that have kind of stressed me out because they're new pieces and I don't know how to deal with these kinds of things.

So, I'm at school now. New school and such. I'd keep writing and saying how it has been going, but there is a lot to say, and it's already past 1am, and I'm about to take these pills here and force myself to sleep like I've done every night for the last couple months.

I'll update with Part 2 tomorrow! Full of all the exciting and interesting details of my life since school started! And, ohhhh, there's a lot!

Expect the biggest post ever soon

My roommate is gone for the weekend. And although I've got plans all fucking weekend, I'm going to try my damnedest to get my life written down here.

Spilling Out

Michael: Well reassurance is always nice :b I mean, I kinda feel like I should do something else I guess to maybe help you feel more comfortable about the idea. But I'm not entirely sure why you're not comfortable. I wouldn't mind knowing(if there's even a specific reason) Besides, I really don't want you to date me until you're completely ready. I would want it to have the highest chance of success as possible :b Also, if you don't want to talk about this anymore you can tell me :b

Me: The best way I can think to explain this is that my biggest problem with relationships is that they all seem to be just a "phase" for me. I'll like somebody, a lot, for a long time, then all of a sudden, it seems I wake up one day and don't feel it anymore. And it's absolutely nothing the other person did. That's why my last relationship ended. It blows my mind that it lasted as long as it did. I know if it weren't long-distance through most of it. Like if we saw each other way more throughout the relationship, it would have ended quicker. I'm trying to figure out why that happens with me, and it seems to happen every time without fail. I think that dread is what keeps me from jumping into another one. I think that's the weird feeling I get in my stomach when I think about it. And my last relationship was the most serious one I've ever been in, and since it ended, I've felt that way more than usual. I just don't want to bring other people into my indecisiveness, especially right now with school starting up and other things on my mind.

And that's something I've never told anyone before.

Michael: I don't think your relationships ended necessarily because you just lost interest for no reason. I mean from what I've gathered you said the other serious relationship you had he kind of cheated on you, and moved away. That's a pretty good reason to lose interest. Then with your last one I'm not sure how often or badly it was but you did tell me a few times he would literally take hours to respond to you all the time. and when he did it was always a bunch of excuses. Which I don't see how you wouldn't lose interest in someone who doesn't put even minimal effort into the relationship such as texting back in a reasonable amount of time. I sort of just figured that was what you would be worried about the most. And I wouldn't expect you to tell me if you it was. But just so you know, you wouldn't have to worry about that with me. I mean, I am busy at school but I would for sure have time for you. and I understand if you're busy and I wouldn't get upset about it ever. The only reason I'm bringing this up more now all of the sudden is because I am kind of worried that once you do go to school the chances of us dating will diminish. It'll also kind of suck if you meet someone else and we can't be like we are now. However we are now. I think in a way it has to be considered more than just friends, right? lol. I don't know. but like I said before, I'm okay with just being friends so if one day you tell me we have to strictly be friends then it's nothing I can't handle. I'll be slightly sad though :b But I'll for sure always be your friend. at the least.

Me: I am good at writing. Thanks, I pride myself on it. ^^ Well, those two relationships did have their reasons. I guess the way I felt about breaking up is the bigger problem. I don't know. It was such a serious relationship, and we weren't having any problems (to his knowledge), then all of a sudden I basically broke his heart, and I dreaded having to do it, and I felt like a shitty person for it. One thing I guess I should work on is actually addressing problems I have with someone (like his not ever texting me back) instead of keeping them to myself. When I made up my mind to break up with him, I never talked to him about it until I actually did it. I never told anyone about it. He was the first to know, and that was when it happened. I really just thought about it a lot for a couple months and let it build up inside me I guess. I just wanted to make sure it was really what I wanted and that it was my decision alone with no outside influences. I got kind of depressed because I really didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to because I wasn't happy anymore and so it was like a catch-22: staying in the relationship made me unhappy, and getting out of it made me unhappy; however, being free from it made me feel so relieved. And since then I've just felt better being alone.

Also, I've had a couple, I guess you can say, "unofficial" relationships where this has happened. When I was 17, I was seeing this guy who was 23. And that's not really as creepy as it sounds. He was a friend of the family and had actually asked my dad, before I knew anything about it, if he could ask me out. With which my dad replied, "As long as you don't do anything that'll make me have to shoot you." Or something like that. But he never actually asked me out after all the time, and I eventually just didn't like him anymore. I didn't really want to talk to him or see him. There was absolutely no reason behind it. He never did anything wrong. So, I slowly distanced myself from him, and we quit talking all together. I still see him sometimes, and it's really awkward now because of the elephant in the room.

Sorry for writing a novel lol. When I start telling someone things I've never told before, I kinda just let it all out...