Expect the biggest post ever soon

My roommate is gone for the weekend. And although I've got plans all fucking weekend, I'm going to try my damnedest to get my life written down here.

Spilling Out

Michael: Well reassurance is always nice :b I mean, I kinda feel like I should do something else I guess to maybe help you feel more comfortable about the idea. But I'm not entirely sure why you're not comfortable. I wouldn't mind knowing(if there's even a specific reason) Besides, I really don't want you to date me until you're completely ready. I would want it to have the highest chance of success as possible :b Also, if you don't want to talk about this anymore you can tell me :b

Me: The best way I can think to explain this is that my biggest problem with relationships is that they all seem to be just a "phase" for me. I'll like somebody, a lot, for a long time, then all of a sudden, it seems I wake up one day and don't feel it anymore. And it's absolutely nothing the other person did. That's why my last relationship ended. It blows my mind that it lasted as long as it did. I know if it weren't long-distance through most of it. Like if we saw each other way more throughout the relationship, it would have ended quicker. I'm trying to figure out why that happens with me, and it seems to happen every time without fail. I think that dread is what keeps me from jumping into another one. I think that's the weird feeling I get in my stomach when I think about it. And my last relationship was the most serious one I've ever been in, and since it ended, I've felt that way more than usual. I just don't want to bring other people into my indecisiveness, especially right now with school starting up and other things on my mind.

And that's something I've never told anyone before.

Michael: I don't think your relationships ended necessarily because you just lost interest for no reason. I mean from what I've gathered you said the other serious relationship you had he kind of cheated on you, and moved away. That's a pretty good reason to lose interest. Then with your last one I'm not sure how often or badly it was but you did tell me a few times he would literally take hours to respond to you all the time. and when he did it was always a bunch of excuses. Which I don't see how you wouldn't lose interest in someone who doesn't put even minimal effort into the relationship such as texting back in a reasonable amount of time. I sort of just figured that was what you would be worried about the most. And I wouldn't expect you to tell me if you it was. But just so you know, you wouldn't have to worry about that with me. I mean, I am busy at school but I would for sure have time for you. and I understand if you're busy and I wouldn't get upset about it ever. The only reason I'm bringing this up more now all of the sudden is because I am kind of worried that once you do go to school the chances of us dating will diminish. It'll also kind of suck if you meet someone else and we can't be like we are now. However we are now. I think in a way it has to be considered more than just friends, right? lol. I don't know. but like I said before, I'm okay with just being friends so if one day you tell me we have to strictly be friends then it's nothing I can't handle. I'll be slightly sad though :b But I'll for sure always be your friend. at the least.

Me: I am good at writing. Thanks, I pride myself on it. ^^ Well, those two relationships did have their reasons. I guess the way I felt about breaking up is the bigger problem. I don't know. It was such a serious relationship, and we weren't having any problems (to his knowledge), then all of a sudden I basically broke his heart, and I dreaded having to do it, and I felt like a shitty person for it. One thing I guess I should work on is actually addressing problems I have with someone (like his not ever texting me back) instead of keeping them to myself. When I made up my mind to break up with him, I never talked to him about it until I actually did it. I never told anyone about it. He was the first to know, and that was when it happened. I really just thought about it a lot for a couple months and let it build up inside me I guess. I just wanted to make sure it was really what I wanted and that it was my decision alone with no outside influences. I got kind of depressed because I really didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to because I wasn't happy anymore and so it was like a catch-22: staying in the relationship made me unhappy, and getting out of it made me unhappy; however, being free from it made me feel so relieved. And since then I've just felt better being alone.

Also, I've had a couple, I guess you can say, "unofficial" relationships where this has happened. When I was 17, I was seeing this guy who was 23. And that's not really as creepy as it sounds. He was a friend of the family and had actually asked my dad, before I knew anything about it, if he could ask me out. With which my dad replied, "As long as you don't do anything that'll make me have to shoot you." Or something like that. But he never actually asked me out after all the time, and I eventually just didn't like him anymore. I didn't really want to talk to him or see him. There was absolutely no reason behind it. He never did anything wrong. So, I slowly distanced myself from him, and we quit talking all together. I still see him sometimes, and it's really awkward now because of the elephant in the room.

Sorry for writing a novel lol. When I start telling someone things I've never told before, I kinda just let it all out...

Anticipation

Now I want to write about so much, but I have to sleep and I know I'll spend HOURS writing about my damn summer. HOPEFULLY, I can get it all down tomorrow night.

I had such a good day today for all the wrong reasons.

So many symptoms

My health is making me really depressed.

It's just...

It's just that there's so many new people in my life right now and it's all really weird and it's good and bad at the same time and I feel so uncomfortable talking about them unless I change their names or something and I should probably start doing that.