But, honey, it wasn't you

Well, I think I'm gonna build a fence to keep inside what little sense: the sense of taste, the sense of smell, the sense to sit here and feel like hell...

i love you and i miss you
but i just can't do this anymore
i
can
not

breathe

though no one ever said it directly to my face,
i know everyone was thinking i could do better
and i know i'm throwing away the only good thing i'll ever have
i'm actually pretty good at that
i like you and i like your family
and i feel i made all the right choices with you
and i regret nothing from our relationship
and i will take with me so much that i've learned from you
i will carry this knowledge for the rest of my life
and remember you for the rest of my life
but we're so different in every way
and opposite's do attract, yes
but it was only a matter of time
i can't see myself being with you for the rest of my life
so why keep it going
i only hope you find someone better than me
a good christain girl who will do you right,
talk about her damn feelings like you always wanted,
make your family proud,
and make you the happiest man alive

Day 20: Your fears
1. Public Speaking.
2. Tornadoes
3. Dying
4. Commitment

Day 21: How you hope your future will be like
I just want to be happy. I feel like my future is a lonely one, but I guess that's okay. All I need is me. All that I need is the air that I breathe and all that I need are all things I don't need and all that really matters is what matters to me.

Day 22: Your acedmics
Um... I'm good at them, I guess. Maybe it'll get me somewhere in life...

Day 23: Something that you miss
I always miss a lot of things. I miss those middle school skate shop days. I miss Hell-o-ween Havoc. I miss the friends I had back then that I haven't seen in ages. I miss when life was a little easier. Hell, I miss high school. I miss not being an adult. I miss certain people...

Day 24: Five words/phrases that make you laugh
I think pictures and people make me laugh more than words/phrases
1. When they say "Ho mah gawrd" in Kesha Fabo
2. When Dann unexpectedly ends a sentence with "potato"
3.  Every word Mitch Hedberg has ever said
4. You've come down with a classic case of... my body.
5. gooby pls
6. mcnuggies

Day 25: Something you're currently worrying about
I don't know if this is "worrying" but I'm wondering when this breakup will ever fucking end...

Day 26: Things you like and dislike about yourself
I like that I'm not too terribly stupid and not too terribly naive, and though I do feign naivety a lot (though I'm not deliberately ditzy), I actually do know what's going on most of the time. So, I guess I like that I'm somewhat intelligent. Really, I just like the way I am. I like my taste in music and the fact that I'm so into music in general. I like that I'm not overdramatic or dramatic at all. I DISLIKE that I'm too nice. I wish I were capable of just saying how I really feel sometimes and if something is bothering me then to let someone know. But I usually keep that on the DL.

Day 27: A quote you try to live by
Do unto others... There are too many quotes. But I do take that golden rule to heart.

Day 28: Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit
I'd like to visit Rome/Italy. I'd like to move to Maine because Maine is beautiful and I think it would be lovely to live on the coast near a harbor. But Tennessee (aside from the assbackwards shitty politics) is where my heart's at.

Day 29: Five weird things that you like
1. Blind Melon
2. Ritz crackers in milk
3. Circus/carnival themed things
4. Manatees
5. Maps/Globes

Day 30: One thing you're excited for
MTSU

Now I'm officially caught up AND officially done with those things.

So, I'm home now. Back from Nana's. It was fun while it lasted. I'm going to my high school's graduation tomorrow with Logan to see the handful of people I know who are still in high school graduate.

Also, I got my hair cut and I'm really not sure how I feel about it. I feel like if a younger lady had cut my hair, it would have turned out better and not so old-fashioned. :/ I hope it grows as fast as it as been lately, so I can get it tweaked. I do plan to dye it soon though, so maybe that'll help.

The Midnight Deadline

I guess now is as good a time as any to write this. It's 10:30 and I'm going to try to get it written before midnight. I generally write a little, do something else, write a little more, etc, for longer posts. But I'll try to keep the distractions to a minimum this time.

...as I spend half an hour on Tumblr.

Bah, let's do this chronologically.

 So, a week ago, Nate came over. We had had a bit of a heated discussion on Facebook the night before and both agreed to talk about it in person. I really don't know what he was expecting, but whatever it was, it was out of complete delusion. He hugged and kissed me and asked if I wanted to go to the park. I agreed. I was surprised at how well it was working out because I KNOW (serious) breakups are supposed to happen somewhere neutral. Logan later told me that was his suggestion. Well, Nate didn't know it was a breakup (I just don't see how he didn't see it coming...). We didn't even talk about anything while we were hiking. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking "What if he turns into one of those crazy 'if-i-can't-have-her-then-nobody-can' psychopath killers and kills me. No one would EVER find my body out here!" I laughed inside my head at the thought. I know he would never do a thing like that. So, anyway, he wanted to take me to a movie and out to dinner afterward. I had family plans though, and I wouldn't have done those things with him anyway. I wasn't going to let him spend money on me when I was about to stomp on his heart. I mean, I know it may seem like it to him right now, but I am NOT heartless in the least. I did what I did because I can NOT sacrifice my own happiness that much. I did it for myself, and I know it hurt him, but there's nothing I can do about that that won't make me miserable.

Lover, don't act so surprised. Don't act so damn traumatized. You and I, we knew this one was a-comin'.

So, in his mind, we were going to go on a date, and everything was going to be all fine and dandy and all of our concerns (mostly mine) would just disappear.

False.

I am as indecisive as they come. I thought very long and very hard and lost so much sleep over this. I came to a decision, and when someone as indecisive as me finally makes a decision, it Does. Not. Change. Period. My decision was final. When he came over, I had that decision dead set in my mind, and I was not going to sway. So, after the park, we drove to the movies "just to see what's playing." We talked in the parking lot. It sucks because I had ALL the words to say, but when it came to the time to say them, I had nothing. All I could do was stare blankly out the window and repeat "I don't know...." I was so tongue-tied. He was so desperate to just "try." TRY to bring the spark back. Stay together a little longer and see if things change back to how they used to be. He just doesn't understand that it doesn't work that way. I told him that would be trying to FORCE it, which would only have adverse effects and make things worse.

We went back to my house later (I thought he was going to drop me off, but he came inside and stayed awhile...). When he left, he asked if I wanted to hang out later. Of course my answer was no.

I tried to make things clear. I THOUGHT I MADE THINGS CLEAR. He. Just. Didn't. Understand.

The next day I changed my relationship status on Facebook to "Single." Fucking Facebook, man. Why does it hold so much fucking merit with every-god-damned-body? Nate messaged me and said something like "Well you jumped to that pretty fast." Because obviously I didn't make myself clear enough. In his mind we were still dating.

Then he still messaged me on Facebook constantly (he told me the reason he was being so "clingy" before is because he thought I was "bored with the relationship" because he didn't talk to me enough. As if bombarding me with Facebook messages and comments was going to fix our relationship). He even had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to spend the night at his house one night when he doesn't have to work, clarifying that he knows "we're not together." I just can't see the world through his eyes. I don't understand how his mind works. I told him that wasn't a good idea, and he didn't get why. I just could not handle him anymore...

He eventually told me he would quit talking to me for a "couple of days... or weeks." I guess he finally got it.

They didn't lie when they said breaking up is hard to do.

It doesn't have to mean goodbye when I'm gone. It doesn't have to break our hearts to move on. We've lost a thousand loves in a thousand lives before. This is just one more.

So, of course there are so many details I could add to all of that, but I think that's sufficient.

Besides, it's way past midnight and I've got other things to talk about. I got distracted as usual and this post didn't make the midnight deadline I was hoping for...

Moving on.

Logan and Fonz spent a couple days at my house. Good times. Nate would not leave Logan alone. Poor Logan got dragged into the middle of all of this and this relationship isn't his!

(dammit like 5 people are talking to me on Facebook now and all these conversation are just so good and so funny i've been distracted by them for a very long time).

It's almost 2... this isn't working. Time to wrap this all up in a nutshell.

I went to get new contacts and the lady at the desk was angry cuz I skipped my last appointment, but the doctor was really nice and I was only supposed to wear the contacts for 2 weeks but wore them for 4 months fuck the police and I got more and I haven't worn them yet but it's all good.

Caleb went back to South Caroline on Sunday.  He missed his flight, but it was totally the airport's fault. His flight was supposed to leave at 5:30am. They didn't even open the security gate til 5:20 and the plan was gone by 5:25. It's really not safe for airports to be that unorganized! Anyway, he caught the next flight and made it back okay.

It was also mother's day. I painted my mom a picture a few days ago. I called her and told her where to find it hidden behind my door, and she seemed to like it. So, yay!

I've been at Nana's since Thursday. Fun times. Nick currently doesn't like Pamp for some reason, so he hasn't been over here (I guess he's just burnout and a little annoyed from hanging out with him so often. It happens). Except once he came over at like 9 o clock at night because he was riding a bike in the neighborhood and it was pouring down rain, and his friend left him, so he came here to put the bike in the garage and wait for his mom to come get him. Nick and his girlfriend were asleep on the couch when he walked in. They woke and left immediately (to take her home) without saying a word to him... So I just hung out with Pamp all by myself and had a nice chat and a hug, then he was on his way. Would be nice to see him more, but I shouldn't want that. I still know he's a player, and I'm not the only one he's talking to. I've always known that, but since I DO know that, I don't mind talking to him and seeing him. And, hell, I'm single now. I can have all the illicit fun I want. Hahaha. I sound like a yolofag. We all know I'm a responsible young adult who plays by the rules, goes by the book, and does everything "right" though. For the most part.

I've been spending a lot of time with Nana and Larry since Nick is always at school or with his girlfriend. He and his girlfriend are together EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I just don't see how they do it. I wouldn't be able to no matter how "in love" I was.

Um, today Nick's friend Jesse came over. He was pretty funny.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll be getting my haircut, and I plan to go drastic.

I wish I could go more into detail about everything I've talked about here, but it's way late and I'm way tired and this post is way long.

Shit, I need to sleep...

I'm not proofreading any of this right now. Not sorry for any mistakes, and I'm sure there are a lot.
EDIT: I went back and fixed a lot of mistakes. You're welcome.

Well, I guess that's mostly all I had to talk about.

Yo, I couldn't give a fuck less

Wow, so I should probably really update this soon. I kinda just don't feel like it right now.

Um, here's a list of things I will expand on in my next post:
(mostly so I won't forget)
 -I broke up with Nate
-I got new contacts!
-Logan and Fonz stayed a couple Days
-Caleb went back to the Navy
-Today is Mother's Day
-I'm at Nana's

When you came back into my life

Day 16: Something you always think "what if..." about
I guess I think that about a lot of things, but I don't normally dwell on things. Normally with past relationships though. One of my "what ifs" just came back in my life as I will explain later in this post...

Day 17: Something that you're proud of
I'm proud of the way I am. I'm glad that I'm not dumb and I've luckily escaped drug addiction, pregnancy, and alcoholism, which is damn near impossible in this town it seems.

Day 18: A problem that you have had
I think we all know what that is... I'm getting it all sorted out on Tuesday. Just know that as of now, I know what I'm going to do. I just hope I don't cave and end up not going through with it...

Day 19: Five items you lust after
I believe "lust" is the wrong word here... perhaps "pine" would have been more fitting. I don't feel sexual urges towards items. Um... I can't think of many material things that I have a burning desire to own. Also, it's kind of late and it has been a long night and busy few days, and I've got a lot on my mind. So, I'm not really in any kind of mood to sit and think of material things.

I think I'm caught up with those now.

So, I'm back home for a good long while. I spent Friday in drawing class and that afternoon from 3 til 9 cleaning and packing. Then I got home at 1am and was reunited with Caleb! He got home at around midnight. Logan was there too. Haha, I told him on Facebook that he should come over around midnight and join in the reunion, and he was serious when he said he would.

So, the next morning I got up early, and we all went to the parade. It was super fun. I didn't see as many people as I expected, but damn, I saw someone who I didn't expect. An old friend I guess you could say. Someone from my past. Oh, God, that past...

Remember a time two years ago when I was going through a very difficult situation with a friend? I had someone at that time. We spent countless hours swinging on the porch at night talking until 3am. He saved me from a few situations when things got rough. Then summer ended. School started. I got busy with life and lost interest. I pushed him away, gently. We slowly quit talking. He would text me on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday... I hadn't seem him much since then. I learned that he had become a pill fiend. It disappointed me and broke my heart but also made me glad I had left when I did.

I thought I had lost interest because I was never really interested in the first place. I thought I clung to him to anchor me in my emotionally unstable state. I thought all those feelings were false, and my brain just needed them to offset all the depression and stress.

I guess not.

Well, I've been thinking about him (NH) a lot lately. The last few months he has been on my mind, and I really actually missed him. While at the parade, I actually wondered what it would be like if I ran into him there because I knew he would probably be there. And wouldn't you know it, we crossed paths! And suddenly all those feelings I had all came back. I know he definitely still feels the same. Body language doesn't lie. He told me how he wrecked his mom's new car and that's when he decided to get clean. Says he doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore. That makes him so much more desirable. I'm so happy for him too because that shit is hard to get off of. It's stronger than heroin and has worse withdrawal effects.

He came over that night. But of course he did because I told him where I'd be. He and I played basketball... kinda. It was really just an excuse to talk away from everyone else. We talked. Caught up a little. He asked if I had found a boyfriend in Memphis. I said "no" because that was the honest answer to his question. He doesn't know I had one before going to Memphis. I decided not to bring it up... He got a little hammershitfaced later that night. I wonder if what he said about getting off the pills is true. Two years ago he told me he didn't do them. Back then I didn't recognize the signs what with the nodding off and acting like a different person... I know now. So, he got a little drunk and that's okay. I'm going to see him again.

Too bad he seems to come into my life at all the worst times...

I passed out around midnight last night. The party was mostly over. Ryan and Mike being unnecessarily loud woke me up once. Then it stormed and the thunder woke me up. I was so confused when I woke up because first it was a loud bang and then I didn't know where I was...

Today the family came over. Nick and his girlfriend, Nana, and Poppa. I was texting Pamp (via my email since I'm still phoneless) and he said he wanted to come but Nick wouldn't let him. Then Nana said later that they would have brought Pamp but she wasn't sure if  "what's-his-face" was going to be here. Haha, wow... Guess she knows how Pamp feels about "what's-his-face." He is pretty vocal about it.Well, "what's-his-face" was not here. I had a good time. I always like seeing the family.

After they all left, Caleb and Logan came back here and closed the door and sat down. Said we needed to talk. Well, Logan needed to talk to me (per Nate's request). I already knew it was about Nate since they've hung out a couple times recently. Logan told me how Nate has been freaking out and scared to death that I'm going to break up with him. He quit smoking, but when I told him how I felt, he went out, bought a pack, smoked the entire thing, and drove around in his car aimlessly til 3am. Apparently. He's making such a big deal out of it... or maybe I'm heartless and am the only one who sees it the way I do. He also hates Fonz. Ever since that night Fonz stayed the night anyway. Told Logan if he saw him in person he might not be able to resist the urge to punch him in the face or something. Well, he's just going to have to get over it. He should have gotten over it a long time ago... The way I see it, we're young and it's not the end of the world. Even if the tables were turned, I wouldn't be reacting as drastically as he. And, frankly, he's making this all worse for himself by being so damn clingy and needy lately. He has NEVER been this way before, and it's not helping his case. It's hurting it.

So, Fonz and some girl who's a friend of his is coming over tomorrow. She better be cool, or I'll be very annoyed that I allowed her to come over. Haha.

Nate and I made plans to "hang out" on Tuesday. I'm going to finally get this all sorted out.

The batteries in this wireless keyboard are going out...

I'm sorry I no longer care

I know I've gotten a little behind with this everyday challenge thing, but I got busy and who's keeping up with it anyway?

Day 13: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it
I'm pretty comfortable with my body. I don't hate a lot of things about it. I wish I had clearer skin, but that's my fault for my extremely unhealthy diet I'm guessing. I've been working out and trying to get in shape. My goal isn't to lose weight. I'm perfect fine with my 110-ish lbs. But I'd like to lose fat in some areas. The typical areas where it builds up in women's bodies. Other than that, though, it's all good.

Day 14: What you wore today
Who really cares, honestly? I wore white pants and my Dodos No Color shirt. And now I'm wearing Dr.Suess shorts and a men's L cookie monster shirt. It's a stupid shirt, which is why I sleep in it.

Day 15: Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality
I am a Pisces, and I find it accurate and fitting. Both the negatives:
inwardly reflective
introvert
being walked on
indecisive

And the positives:
gentle
patient
compassionate
accepting

I'm really hungry... I've been eating oatmeal and mac&cheese for, like, the last week and a half. I am so sick of it. I can't wait til Friday when mom gets here because I'm going to ask her to take me out for real foooooood.

So, as of (yesterday), I am officially DONE with IPC. FOR-FUCKING-EVER! It's such a great feeling. I was so inwardly ecstatic after class. My final project, which was shadow art, went over well in class. Way better than expected anyway. So, even though I said "fuck it" to completing the logbook/sketchbook and turning in all my work on the server, I think I'll still make a C in that class. B- if I'm really lucky. Now all I have left to do is a drawing for Friday.

So, freshman year is just about over.
Thank fucking God.