Wow, so I should probably really update this soon. I kinda just don't feel like it right now.
Um, here's a list of things I will expand on in my next post:
(mostly so I won't forget)
-I broke up with Nate
-I got new contacts!
-Logan and Fonz stayed a couple Days
-Caleb went back to the Navy
-Today is Mother's Day
-I'm at Nana's
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Sunday, May 6, 2012
When you came back into my life
Day 16: Something you always think "what if..." about
I guess I think that about a lot of things, but I don't normally dwell on things. Normally with past relationships though. One of my "what ifs" just came back in my life as I will explain later in this post...
Day 17: Something that you're proud of
I'm proud of the way I am. I'm glad that I'm not dumb and I've luckily escaped drug addiction, pregnancy, and alcoholism, which is damn near impossible in this town it seems.
Day 18: A problem that you have had
I think we all know what that is... I'm getting it all sorted out on Tuesday. Just know that as of now, I know what I'm going to do. I just hope I don't cave and end up not going through with it...
Day 19: Five items you lust after
I believe "lust" is the wrong word here... perhaps "pine" would have been more fitting. I don't feel sexual urges towards items. Um... I can't think of many material things that I have a burning desire to own. Also, it's kind of late and it has been a long night and busy few days, and I've got a lot on my mind. So, I'm not really in any kind of mood to sit and think of material things.
I think I'm caught up with those now.
So, I'm back home for a good long while. I spent Friday in drawing class and that afternoon from 3 til 9 cleaning and packing. Then I got home at 1am and was reunited with Caleb! He got home at around midnight. Logan was there too. Haha, I told him on Facebook that he should come over around midnight and join in the reunion, and he was serious when he said he would.
So, the next morning I got up early, and we all went to the parade. It was super fun. I didn't see as many people as I expected, but damn, I saw someone who I didn't expect. An old friend I guess you could say. Someone from my past. Oh, God, that past...
Remember a time two years ago when I was going through a very difficult situation with a friend? I had someone at that time. We spent countless hours swinging on the porch at night talking until 3am. He saved me from a few situations when things got rough. Then summer ended. School started. I got busy with life and lost interest. I pushed him away, gently. We slowly quit talking. He would text me on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday... I hadn't seem him much since then. I learned that he had become a pill fiend. It disappointed me and broke my heart but also made me glad I had left when I did.
I thought I had lost interest because I was never really interested in the first place. I thought I clung to him to anchor me in my emotionally unstable state. I thought all those feelings were false, and my brain just needed them to offset all the depression and stress.
I guess not.
Well, I've been thinking about him (NH) a lot lately. The last few months he has been on my mind, and I really actually missed him. While at the parade, I actually wondered what it would be like if I ran into him there because I knew he would probably be there. And wouldn't you know it, we crossed paths! And suddenly all those feelings I had all came back. I know he definitely still feels the same. Body language doesn't lie. He told me how he wrecked his mom's new car and that's when he decided to get clean. Says he doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore. That makes him so much more desirable. I'm so happy for him too because that shit is hard to get off of. It's stronger than heroin and has worse withdrawal effects.
He came over that night. But of course he did because I told him where I'd be. He and I played basketball... kinda. It was really just an excuse to talk away from everyone else. We talked. Caught up a little. He asked if I had found a boyfriend in Memphis. I said "no" because that was the honest answer to his question. He doesn't know I had one before going to Memphis. I decided not to bring it up... He got a little hammershitfaced later that night. I wonder if what he said about getting off the pills is true. Two years ago he told me he didn't do them. Back then I didn't recognize the signs what with the nodding off and acting like a different person... I know now. So, he got a little drunk and that's okay. I'm going to see him again.
Too bad he seems to come into my life at all the worst times...
I passed out around midnight last night. The party was mostly over. Ryan and Mike being unnecessarily loud woke me up once. Then it stormed and the thunder woke me up. I was so confused when I woke up because first it was a loud bang and then I didn't know where I was...
Today the family came over. Nick and his girlfriend, Nana, and Poppa. I was texting Pamp (via my email since I'm still phoneless) and he said he wanted to come but Nick wouldn't let him. Then Nana said later that they would have brought Pamp but she wasn't sure if "what's-his-face" was going to be here. Haha, wow... Guess she knows how Pamp feels about "what's-his-face." He is pretty vocal about it.Well, "what's-his-face" was not here. I had a good time. I always like seeing the family.
After they all left, Caleb and Logan came back here and closed the door and sat down. Said we needed to talk. Well, Logan needed to talk to me (per Nate's request). I already knew it was about Nate since they've hung out a couple times recently. Logan told me how Nate has been freaking out and scared to death that I'm going to break up with him. He quit smoking, but when I told him how I felt, he went out, bought a pack, smoked the entire thing, and drove around in his car aimlessly til 3am. Apparently. He's making such a big deal out of it... or maybe I'm heartless and am the only one who sees it the way I do. He also hates Fonz. Ever since that night Fonz stayed the night anyway. Told Logan if he saw him in person he might not be able to resist the urge to punch him in the face or something. Well, he's just going to have to get over it. He should have gotten over it a long time ago... The way I see it, we're young and it's not the end of the world. Even if the tables were turned, I wouldn't be reacting as drastically as he. And, frankly, he's making this all worse for himself by being so damn clingy and needy lately. He has NEVER been this way before, and it's not helping his case. It's hurting it.
So, Fonz and some girl who's a friend of his is coming over tomorrow. She better be cool, or I'll be very annoyed that I allowed her to come over. Haha.
Nate and I made plans to "hang out" on Tuesday. I'm going to finally get this all sorted out.
The batteries in this wireless keyboard are going out...
I guess I think that about a lot of things, but I don't normally dwell on things. Normally with past relationships though. One of my "what ifs" just came back in my life as I will explain later in this post...
Day 17: Something that you're proud of
I'm proud of the way I am. I'm glad that I'm not dumb and I've luckily escaped drug addiction, pregnancy, and alcoholism, which is damn near impossible in this town it seems.
Day 18: A problem that you have had
I think we all know what that is... I'm getting it all sorted out on Tuesday. Just know that as of now, I know what I'm going to do. I just hope I don't cave and end up not going through with it...
Day 19: Five items you lust after
I believe "lust" is the wrong word here... perhaps "pine" would have been more fitting. I don't feel sexual urges towards items. Um... I can't think of many material things that I have a burning desire to own. Also, it's kind of late and it has been a long night and busy few days, and I've got a lot on my mind. So, I'm not really in any kind of mood to sit and think of material things.
I think I'm caught up with those now.
So, I'm back home for a good long while. I spent Friday in drawing class and that afternoon from 3 til 9 cleaning and packing. Then I got home at 1am and was reunited with Caleb! He got home at around midnight. Logan was there too. Haha, I told him on Facebook that he should come over around midnight and join in the reunion, and he was serious when he said he would.
So, the next morning I got up early, and we all went to the parade. It was super fun. I didn't see as many people as I expected, but damn, I saw someone who I didn't expect. An old friend I guess you could say. Someone from my past. Oh, God, that past...
Remember a time two years ago when I was going through a very difficult situation with a friend? I had someone at that time. We spent countless hours swinging on the porch at night talking until 3am. He saved me from a few situations when things got rough. Then summer ended. School started. I got busy with life and lost interest. I pushed him away, gently. We slowly quit talking. He would text me on holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday... I hadn't seem him much since then. I learned that he had become a pill fiend. It disappointed me and broke my heart but also made me glad I had left when I did.
I thought I had lost interest because I was never really interested in the first place. I thought I clung to him to anchor me in my emotionally unstable state. I thought all those feelings were false, and my brain just needed them to offset all the depression and stress.
I guess not.
Well, I've been thinking about him (NH) a lot lately. The last few months he has been on my mind, and I really actually missed him. While at the parade, I actually wondered what it would be like if I ran into him there because I knew he would probably be there. And wouldn't you know it, we crossed paths! And suddenly all those feelings I had all came back. I know he definitely still feels the same. Body language doesn't lie. He told me how he wrecked his mom's new car and that's when he decided to get clean. Says he doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore. That makes him so much more desirable. I'm so happy for him too because that shit is hard to get off of. It's stronger than heroin and has worse withdrawal effects.
He came over that night. But of course he did because I told him where I'd be. He and I played basketball... kinda. It was really just an excuse to talk away from everyone else. We talked. Caught up a little. He asked if I had found a boyfriend in Memphis. I said "no" because that was the honest answer to his question. He doesn't know I had one before going to Memphis. I decided not to bring it up... He got a little hammershitfaced later that night. I wonder if what he said about getting off the pills is true. Two years ago he told me he didn't do them. Back then I didn't recognize the signs what with the nodding off and acting like a different person... I know now. So, he got a little drunk and that's okay. I'm going to see him again.
Too bad he seems to come into my life at all the worst times...
I passed out around midnight last night. The party was mostly over. Ryan and Mike being unnecessarily loud woke me up once. Then it stormed and the thunder woke me up. I was so confused when I woke up because first it was a loud bang and then I didn't know where I was...
Today the family came over. Nick and his girlfriend, Nana, and Poppa. I was texting Pamp (via my email since I'm still phoneless) and he said he wanted to come but Nick wouldn't let him. Then Nana said later that they would have brought Pamp but she wasn't sure if "what's-his-face" was going to be here. Haha, wow... Guess she knows how Pamp feels about "what's-his-face." He is pretty vocal about it.Well, "what's-his-face" was not here. I had a good time. I always like seeing the family.
After they all left, Caleb and Logan came back here and closed the door and sat down. Said we needed to talk. Well, Logan needed to talk to me (per Nate's request). I already knew it was about Nate since they've hung out a couple times recently. Logan told me how Nate has been freaking out and scared to death that I'm going to break up with him. He quit smoking, but when I told him how I felt, he went out, bought a pack, smoked the entire thing, and drove around in his car aimlessly til 3am. Apparently. He's making such a big deal out of it... or maybe I'm heartless and am the only one who sees it the way I do. He also hates Fonz. Ever since that night Fonz stayed the night anyway. Told Logan if he saw him in person he might not be able to resist the urge to punch him in the face or something. Well, he's just going to have to get over it. He should have gotten over it a long time ago... The way I see it, we're young and it's not the end of the world. Even if the tables were turned, I wouldn't be reacting as drastically as he. And, frankly, he's making this all worse for himself by being so damn clingy and needy lately. He has NEVER been this way before, and it's not helping his case. It's hurting it.
So, Fonz and some girl who's a friend of his is coming over tomorrow. She better be cool, or I'll be very annoyed that I allowed her to come over. Haha.
Nate and I made plans to "hang out" on Tuesday. I'm going to finally get this all sorted out.
The batteries in this wireless keyboard are going out...
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I'm sorry I no longer care
I know I've gotten a little behind with this everyday challenge thing, but I got busy and who's keeping up with it anyway?
Day 13: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it
I'm pretty comfortable with my body. I don't hate a lot of things about it. I wish I had clearer skin, but that's my fault for my extremely unhealthy diet I'm guessing. I've been working out and trying to get in shape. My goal isn't to lose weight. I'm perfect fine with my 110-ish lbs. But I'd like to lose fat in some areas. The typical areas where it builds up in women's bodies. Other than that, though, it's all good.
Day 14: What you wore today
Who really cares, honestly? I wore white pants and my Dodos No Color shirt. And now I'm wearing Dr.Suess shorts and a men's L cookie monster shirt. It's a stupid shirt, which is why I sleep in it.
Day 15: Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality
I am a Pisces, and I find it accurate and fitting. Both the negatives:
inwardly reflective
introvert
being walked on
indecisive
And the positives:
gentle
patient
compassionate
accepting
I'm really hungry... I've been eating oatmeal and mac&cheese for, like, the last week and a half. I am so sick of it. I can't wait til Friday when mom gets here because I'm going to ask her to take me out for real foooooood.
So, as of (yesterday), I am officially DONE with IPC. FOR-FUCKING-EVER! It's such a great feeling. I was so inwardly ecstatic after class. My final project, which was shadow art, went over well in class. Way better than expected anyway. So, even though I said "fuck it" to completing the logbook/sketchbook and turning in all my work on the server, I think I'll still make a C in that class. B- if I'm really lucky. Now all I have left to do is a drawing for Friday.
So, freshman year is just about over.
Thank fucking God.
Day 13: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it
I'm pretty comfortable with my body. I don't hate a lot of things about it. I wish I had clearer skin, but that's my fault for my extremely unhealthy diet I'm guessing. I've been working out and trying to get in shape. My goal isn't to lose weight. I'm perfect fine with my 110-ish lbs. But I'd like to lose fat in some areas. The typical areas where it builds up in women's bodies. Other than that, though, it's all good.
Day 14: What you wore today
Who really cares, honestly? I wore white pants and my Dodos No Color shirt. And now I'm wearing Dr.Suess shorts and a men's L cookie monster shirt. It's a stupid shirt, which is why I sleep in it.
Day 15: Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality
I am a Pisces, and I find it accurate and fitting. Both the negatives:
inwardly reflective
introvert
being walked on
indecisive
And the positives:
gentle
patient
compassionate
accepting
I'm really hungry... I've been eating oatmeal and mac&cheese for, like, the last week and a half. I am so sick of it. I can't wait til Friday when mom gets here because I'm going to ask her to take me out for real foooooood.
So, as of (yesterday), I am officially DONE with IPC. FOR-FUCKING-EVER! It's such a great feeling. I was so inwardly ecstatic after class. My final project, which was shadow art, went over well in class. Way better than expected anyway. So, even though I said "fuck it" to completing the logbook/sketchbook and turning in all my work on the server, I think I'll still make a C in that class. B- if I'm really lucky. Now all I have left to do is a drawing for Friday.
So, freshman year is just about over.
Thank fucking God.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I built a bed in this hole I've made
Day 12: Five guys you find attractive
Hmm... I assume this means anybody. I don't know if I'm comfortable listing the real life people I know, so I'll list the "famous"ones. Those being:
1. Ben Barnes
2. Tom Sturridge
3. Leonardo DiCaprio (of course)
4. Jake Gyllanhaal
5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Honorable mentions include: Kennedy Brock, Ryan Gosling, and Brandon Boyd. I could list so many more, but I'll stop here. :b
My relationship shouldn't be this stressful. I'd honestly prefer arguing and fighting all the time and constantly breaking up and getting back together over this guilt trip. I didn't choose to feel this way. But I guess sacrificing my own happiness for his is the only way to have any kind of relationship. I've been doing it my whole life (for everyone else), so I suppose this is my existence and this is the way it has to be.
I'm just tired of feeling guilty. I guess this is all completely my fault and I'm a horrible human being. If you can even call me human at all.
Now I need to be fucking productive or something.
Hmm... I assume this means anybody. I don't know if I'm comfortable listing the real life people I know, so I'll list the "famous"ones. Those being:
1. Ben Barnes
2. Tom Sturridge
3. Leonardo DiCaprio (of course)
4. Jake Gyllanhaal
5. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Honorable mentions include: Kennedy Brock, Ryan Gosling, and Brandon Boyd. I could list so many more, but I'll stop here. :b
My relationship shouldn't be this stressful. I'd honestly prefer arguing and fighting all the time and constantly breaking up and getting back together over this guilt trip. I didn't choose to feel this way. But I guess sacrificing my own happiness for his is the only way to have any kind of relationship. I've been doing it my whole life (for everyone else), so I suppose this is my existence and this is the way it has to be.
I'm just tired of feeling guilty. I guess this is all completely my fault and I'm a horrible human being. If you can even call me human at all.
Now I need to be fucking productive or something.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
I'm running out of title ideas
Day 11: Your family
Um... okay, what about my family? I guess I'm just supposed to talk about them here. I miss my family. I'm really fortunate to have a close family. I'm transferring schools to be closer to them because I can't stand being this far away. Not right now anyway. I wasn't ready for this. I need to make a lot of changes in my life before I leave again. Anyway, I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my brothers. I love my grandparents, aunt, and cousins (on my mom's side-I don't know any of my dad's side of the family). So, yeah. I want to see them all again. And I will get to very soon!
My mom is like most moms. She has helped me through a lot and continues to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. Probably just die. I mean really. I would just die. I've lived with her most of my life since my parents divorced.
My daddy always treated me a little more special cuz I'm the only girl haha. He never says "no" to me. I'm by no means spoiled, but if he could afford it, he probably would have spoiled me growing up. He always let me have all the pets I want. I mean, it got out of hand. I had, like 13 dogs and 7 cats AT ONE TIME for a little while when I was younger. Haha. We have a tradition! The first Saturday in May we always go to the Old Timer's Day parade together. Every year. No one can fuck that up, and no one is allowed to intervene or tag along because this is between me and Daddy. Which reminds me, I need to call him...
Caleb, my twin, has made my recent life very difficult. Growing up, I've always had him there. We literally grew up by each other's sides and have never been apart. So, being all alone at school was really tough. That was one of the things I was not ready for. We used to fight a lot, but we never do anymore. I've always kinda considered him a safety blanket.
Ryan and Josh and Johnny are all great too. We all get along great now, though Ryan, Josh, Caleb, and I used to fight like HELL growing up. Johnny was always way older than us and never fought. Thinking about Josh depressed me. I honestly don't know how much more time we have with him. He needs help...
Nana is a big part of my life too. She's the best grandma ever. She's really cool and not a "typical old lady." She's funny and jokes around. Poppa too. He's an awesome grandpa. And of course I love Nicole and Nick and Robert an Judge to death. I just love my family. :)
- - - - - - - - - -
Nikki and I went to the zoo today. I was going to buy a couple things that I have wanted ever since I've been here, but I'm kinda really poor and that was the last time we'll probably ever go to that zoo, so I guess I can live without those things. I bought Caleb that card I've always wanted to get him. It's a birthday card, but since I'm seeing him for the first time in forever in a week, it's okay that I waited so long to get it.
Uh... so yeah. I gotta get some shit fucking DONE tomorrow and Monday. After Tuesday, I think I'll be pretty set.
So, Nate is just craving my attention. I guess I didn't communicate my point very well. Though I told him plain and simple that I am just not interested in continuing this relationship anymore. :/ I guess in a way I'm putting this off. He wanted to skype, and I turned him down. I don't know what to do. That should be my catchphrase...
Um... okay, what about my family? I guess I'm just supposed to talk about them here. I miss my family. I'm really fortunate to have a close family. I'm transferring schools to be closer to them because I can't stand being this far away. Not right now anyway. I wasn't ready for this. I need to make a lot of changes in my life before I leave again. Anyway, I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my brothers. I love my grandparents, aunt, and cousins (on my mom's side-I don't know any of my dad's side of the family). So, yeah. I want to see them all again. And I will get to very soon!
My mom is like most moms. She has helped me through a lot and continues to help me. I don't know what I'd do without her. Probably just die. I mean really. I would just die. I've lived with her most of my life since my parents divorced.
My daddy always treated me a little more special cuz I'm the only girl haha. He never says "no" to me. I'm by no means spoiled, but if he could afford it, he probably would have spoiled me growing up. He always let me have all the pets I want. I mean, it got out of hand. I had, like 13 dogs and 7 cats AT ONE TIME for a little while when I was younger. Haha. We have a tradition! The first Saturday in May we always go to the Old Timer's Day parade together. Every year. No one can fuck that up, and no one is allowed to intervene or tag along because this is between me and Daddy. Which reminds me, I need to call him...
Caleb, my twin, has made my recent life very difficult. Growing up, I've always had him there. We literally grew up by each other's sides and have never been apart. So, being all alone at school was really tough. That was one of the things I was not ready for. We used to fight a lot, but we never do anymore. I've always kinda considered him a safety blanket.
Ryan and Josh and Johnny are all great too. We all get along great now, though Ryan, Josh, Caleb, and I used to fight like HELL growing up. Johnny was always way older than us and never fought. Thinking about Josh depressed me. I honestly don't know how much more time we have with him. He needs help...
Nana is a big part of my life too. She's the best grandma ever. She's really cool and not a "typical old lady." She's funny and jokes around. Poppa too. He's an awesome grandpa. And of course I love Nicole and Nick and Robert an Judge to death. I just love my family. :)
- - - - - - - - - -
Nikki and I went to the zoo today. I was going to buy a couple things that I have wanted ever since I've been here, but I'm kinda really poor and that was the last time we'll probably ever go to that zoo, so I guess I can live without those things. I bought Caleb that card I've always wanted to get him. It's a birthday card, but since I'm seeing him for the first time in forever in a week, it's okay that I waited so long to get it.
Uh... so yeah. I gotta get some shit fucking DONE tomorrow and Monday. After Tuesday, I think I'll be pretty set.
So, Nate is just craving my attention. I guess I didn't communicate my point very well. Though I told him plain and simple that I am just not interested in continuing this relationship anymore. :/ I guess in a way I'm putting this off. He wanted to skype, and I turned him down. I don't know what to do. That should be my catchphrase...
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