Day 5: Things you want to say to an ex
I feel like this is all your fault, but I know it's not. I knew this would happen eventually. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. I made sure not to make decisions based on you no matter how much you tried to influence them. And I hate to say it, but it looks like you're getting what you want. Even worse, you may get EVERYTHING you want. Don't make me regret it. I don't know what I still see in you, but I know I can't help it. I feel like what happened between us should be both a big deal and nothing at all. I guess I've been pretending it's nothing at all. I never told you that I knew... But at least this time, if I'm stupid enough to come back (which, let's face it, I am), I'll keep my walls up until I see if you've changed. You've shown me a lot of things that have made me question what I told myself about you. I learned a lot from our relationship, and now I feel like I'm throwing all those lessons away. Time will tell. At least this time I won't feel so stupid.
It's like we learned a lesson but conveniently forgot the rules.
God, things are really weird right now. I guess you could say... Now things are awkward and tense. I told him how I feel, and we decided to talk about it in person. Which means I've got to feel this way for two more weeks. And after everything, he still wanted to drive all the way here. Does he not get it?
I suppose this one was to me. Maybe I'm looking to deep into this, over-analyzing, being too poetic... but it makes perfect sense.
Um... so I'm still super depressed and stressed over everything. I hope this week goes by quickly...
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
You're asking me will my love grow
I don't know. I don't know...
Day 4: Bullet your whole day
So glad this was on a Saturday so it will be short
I feel so unbelievably guilty. Today is mine and Nate's anniversary. A whole year. Jesus Christ. So, I get this message from him:
"I don't want you to call me baby or anything, like im not demanding it, idono who would, but idono we've been together a whole year and besides when we're on skype, it's really hard to tell what you actually think about our relationship. Like I'm super fuckin stressed but i still tell you and try to show you how much i care about you. I barely get a response from you. I am not trying to argue or make you angry. I'm just asking how come you don't show "want" or "acknowledgement" towards it is all.............. dont get mad ok"
Actually, he just barely gets a response out of me lately. I can't lie to him, so I just don't say anything at all. :/ The truth is coming though. I really didn't want to do this over a computer... But it may come to that. He doesn't deserve that, and that would be a really shitty thing to do. I was hoping to do this after he was out of school for the summer, so he wouldn't have it on his mind to distract him. I think this is his last week... sigh.
So, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through these last two weeks. With that looming over my head and all my classes and work and I just don't know what to do for my last IPC project and it's stressing me out like no other...
Oh, I guess I'll do the bullet thing foreal now.
Day 4: Bullet your whole day
So glad this was on a Saturday so it will be short
- Not shit
I feel so unbelievably guilty. Today is mine and Nate's anniversary. A whole year. Jesus Christ. So, I get this message from him:
"I don't want you to call me baby or anything, like im not demanding it, idono who would, but idono we've been together a whole year and besides when we're on skype, it's really hard to tell what you actually think about our relationship. Like I'm super fuckin stressed but i still tell you and try to show you how much i care about you. I barely get a response from you. I am not trying to argue or make you angry. I'm just asking how come you don't show "want" or "acknowledgement" towards it is all.............. dont get mad ok"
Actually, he just barely gets a response out of me lately. I can't lie to him, so I just don't say anything at all. :/ The truth is coming though. I really didn't want to do this over a computer... But it may come to that. He doesn't deserve that, and that would be a really shitty thing to do. I was hoping to do this after he was out of school for the summer, so he wouldn't have it on his mind to distract him. I think this is his last week... sigh.
So, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through these last two weeks. With that looming over my head and all my classes and work and I just don't know what to do for my last IPC project and it's stressing me out like no other...
Oh, I guess I'll do the bullet thing foreal now.
- Woke up at 2pm
- Checked Facebook
- Started talking to Little Lion Man again
- Acknowledged Nate/Anniversary
- Listened to music and browsed the internet as always
- Ate ramen and was thoroughly repulsed
- Wrote this blog
Friday, April 20, 2012
Catnaps and Comas
Day 3: A book you love
Well, that's an easy one. My favorite book is Water For Elephants. It really got me interested in the circus. It's such a good story. I also love The Picture of Dorian Gray. Also Where the Red Fern Grows. Classics. The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is definitely up there on my list. I've read lots of good books.
I starting to get really depressed again. I realized it today. I've actually been kind of mean to people lately, and anyone who knows me knows I'm almost incapable of the faintest hint of meanness. I've mostly just been saying how I feel and not letting people walk all over me. I'm done being a pushover. But anyway, I'm still really lethargic. I hope it doesn't get worse. I really need to be productive these last two weeks. I'm not in quite the slump I was in during August, and I hope it doesn't get to that point again... It's just really weird that this is happening.
I'm really tired and lightheaded and hungry and nauseated right now. So... this post was pointless and I'm taking nap. Or a coma.
Well, that's an easy one. My favorite book is Water For Elephants. It really got me interested in the circus. It's such a good story. I also love The Picture of Dorian Gray. Also Where the Red Fern Grows. Classics. The Story of Edgar Sawtelle is definitely up there on my list. I've read lots of good books.
I starting to get really depressed again. I realized it today. I've actually been kind of mean to people lately, and anyone who knows me knows I'm almost incapable of the faintest hint of meanness. I've mostly just been saying how I feel and not letting people walk all over me. I'm done being a pushover. But anyway, I'm still really lethargic. I hope it doesn't get worse. I really need to be productive these last two weeks. I'm not in quite the slump I was in during August, and I hope it doesn't get to that point again... It's just really weird that this is happening.
I'm really tired and lightheaded and hungry and nauseated right now. So... this post was pointless and I'm taking nap. Or a coma.
Do you feel it slipping away?
Day 2: Something you feel strongly about.
I really don't feel like getting into this. There are a lot of issues I feel strongly about. Let's just say, politically, I'm extremely left. Religiously, I'm extremely not. And everywhere else I'm extremely Pisces.
You know how before someone commits suicide, they slowly distance themselves or drift away from their friends and family? HOW do they do it? I'm not committing suicide obviously. I'm not that dramatic. Not right now anyway. I'm just trying to sail my little boat to the other side of the ocean, but there's a fucking anchor that won't budge.
I guess he feels it slipping away. He's more... clingy than usual. It's annoying. Everything is annoying now. I just can't do it anymore.
Inside my head, I keep screaming leave me alone!, but it's not right.
...Meanwhile, I've been feeding the fanclub.
And, oh, the whole world is still on my string.
I really don't feel like getting into this. There are a lot of issues I feel strongly about. Let's just say, politically, I'm extremely left. Religiously, I'm extremely not. And everywhere else I'm extremely Pisces.
You know how before someone commits suicide, they slowly distance themselves or drift away from their friends and family? HOW do they do it? I'm not committing suicide obviously. I'm not that dramatic. Not right now anyway. I'm just trying to sail my little boat to the other side of the ocean, but there's a fucking anchor that won't budge.
I guess he feels it slipping away. He's more... clingy than usual. It's annoying. Everything is annoying now. I just can't do it anymore.
Inside my head, I keep screaming leave me alone!, but it's not right.
...Meanwhile, I've been feeding the fanclub.
And, oh, the whole world is still on my string.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
So, it begins
Day 1. Five Ways to Win You Heart:
I'd have to really think about this one. Well, for 1), keeping me warm, or trying to, is probably the nicest thing ever. I'm constantly freezing, especially my hands, so warmth is one of my favorite things. Call me cliched, but my heart melts for someone who 2)can sing, especially if they 3)play acoustic guitar as well. But these things aren't necessary. Really, I just like someone who's 4)good to me and can be a gentlemen. Basically just someone who respects me. I guess the last thing is 5) intelligence. Ignorance and hate are huge turn offs. Also, 6)* must love dogs. :P
So, I really need to do some research and an outline for a research paper by morning. Instead, I'm watching The Voice. I regret nothing.
Also, I haven't been spending money on food lately. I went to the store today and bought milk and bread and stuff that will last awhile (hopefully for the next two weeks-but knowing the way people waste stuff around here probably not...). I really want candy... but I'm trying to cut out the fattening stuff.
I'd have to really think about this one. Well, for 1), keeping me warm, or trying to, is probably the nicest thing ever. I'm constantly freezing, especially my hands, so warmth is one of my favorite things. Call me cliched, but my heart melts for someone who 2)can sing, especially if they 3)play acoustic guitar as well. But these things aren't necessary. Really, I just like someone who's 4)good to me and can be a gentlemen. Basically just someone who respects me. I guess the last thing is 5) intelligence. Ignorance and hate are huge turn offs. Also, 6)* must love dogs. :P
So, I really need to do some research and an outline for a research paper by morning. Instead, I'm watching The Voice. I regret nothing.
Also, I haven't been spending money on food lately. I went to the store today and bought milk and bread and stuff that will last awhile (hopefully for the next two weeks-but knowing the way people waste stuff around here probably not...). I really want candy... but I'm trying to cut out the fattening stuff.
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