And That's Just How It Is

I'm kind of sad. I don't really know why but I do. I guess I don't know fully, but I do know partially? I'm home right now. I don't miss Dickson. Fuck this place. I miss some of the people in it. But I won't get to see all of them. That's okay...

I want to speak directly about what's bothering me, but I don't. And I guess the fact that it is bothering me means I care more than I thought. But, hell... I knew I cared a lot. ):

I've never been in this situation before.

I've never been in a lot of these situations before... Growing up fucking sucks. This shit isn't simple at all.

I'm kind of way too tired to write this... If I don't do it now, I'll forget for another two weeks...

A few nights ago, Nikki and I saw Skeletonwitch. It was pretty fun. I haven't been to a metal show in two years! The people there were really nice. The guy working the door seemed to really like us haha.

Yesterday, Nate drove all the way to Memphis to go to a concert with me. We hung out for the day, and that night we saw States, Maps & Atlases, and Circa Survive. It was so much fun! I've never been to a better show!

States was awesome live, as always. I recognized Mindy's family there. You know I already love States and they're the main reason I originally wanted to go to this show. Anthony Green sang a part of a song with Mindy.

I expected to dislike Maps & Atlases at first because I had looked them up a month or so ago and didn't really like them (too hipster, I thought), but they sounded pretty good live. They're some damn good musicians. They put on a good show too.

But, of course, Circa was the main event, and they showed it. They were phenomenal! Before they went on a banner with their latest album art went up. Confetti shot off three time during the show. Confetti is always a damn blast. haha. Six giant red balloons filled with confetti got thrown out into the crowd to be bounced around until they all popped. Later, six white ones with little strobe light balls came out until they all popped. Anthony Green is a funny man. At one point in the middle of a song, he told everyone to get on the ground. No one was expecting it, so we all hesitated for a minute. He told us several more times to all get on the ground, "even you, hipster in the back!" And, "You too, guy with the camera... I'm not doing this fucking thing until you get on the ground!" Ha. After everyone was on the ground, he told everyone to jump up as high as possible when he started singing again. Right before the encore, he came out and told a story that went something along the lines of, "Let me tell you what just happened... being in a band, you know, the bathroom situation can be tough... with six dudes all using one bathroom. So, sometimes you gotta pee in a bottle or whatever you go lying around. Right before the show, I peed in a Gatorade bottle. And just now when I went back stage, I'm not thinking straight, and I just CHUGGED my own piss." He went on about that. He made it funny at first, but then he said how gross it was. Then before he played the last song, he said, "This is the last song I can do. I'm still upset about drinking my own piss... I wanna go lie down..." Ha. And Mindy came out at the end of the encore song and duet-ed with him!

All-in-all, it was a hell of a time! And, like I said, it was the best concert I've been to thus far.

So, after that, we came back to my dorm and ordered pizza at midnight. Our pizza guy, Dillon, is awesome. He knows us by now, and we always get him to draw things on the box for us. He pulled up rocking out to Skrillex, and Nikki told him to listen to better music. And he asked, "like what?" and she said Modest Mouse and he said he listens to them every day! He also told us that we make him feel nerdy cuz he actually knows the things we tell him to draw on the box (Forever Alone guy, for instance, and rage toons). He's really cool though.

We got back upstairs and realized that one of our pizzas had pepperoni on it instead of pineapple. So, Nikki calls up Dillon and tells him our pizza is wrong. He was like, "Alright, give me 30 minutes and I'll bring you the right one." Thirty minutes later, we're waiting for him outside again, and he pulled up rocking out to Modest Mouse! Haha. We had a little conversation with him again cuz we always do.

Nate stayed the night. That was nice. The next morning we (Nate, Nikki, and I) came to Dickson. The ol' stomping grounds. I've been here since. Nikki's mom came and got her to take her to Hermitage where she lives, and Nate just left an hour ago.

I guess it's nice to see everyone again. I'm going to go see daddy tomorrow. And Taz hopefully. Maybe Josh and Ashley if they're around. It would be nice to see some of my friends too, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. I only have one day, tomorrow, to see everyone.

That's because I have to get back to Memphis early Tuesday. Nikki and I are seeing Taking Back Sunday! We have to get there a few hours before the doors even open because there is going to be a shit ton of people. We want good spots in the venue... On Facebook, over 600 people have RSVP'd as "Attending" this show. I don't even know if that many people can fit in the venue! The Maine is also playing with them. I've said it once, I've said it twice, I've said it a thousand fucking times... I like The Maine's music, but I absolutely hate their fans. HATE.

Bah! But yeah, That should be fun, despite the fangirls.

Well, I am just absolutely too tired to go back and read-through this and look for mistakes. I'll fix any errors later.

I honestly feel like crying myself to sleep. I've had a good couple of days, and I don't understand myself right now.

I'm not coming home anymore.

Holding On

So, school has gotten better... wait, let me double check that... nope. Still hate it here.

What has happened lately?

Hmm... I finally got my check two weeks ago. It was a huge relief because I waited five weeks for it and was down to my last five dollars. Mom came down that weekend and helped me put it in the bank. Then we went to Tops BBQ, which was pretty good but the ladies working there were super bitchy.

That night (last Saturday), Nikki and I went to a haunted corn maze! Here's what I said about it elsewhere (just so I don't have to retype anything):

"I went to a "haunted" corn maze tonight. It was super fun! Not to brag or anything, but I am seriously fearless. A guy ran out of the corn and ran at us with a chainsaw (the chainsaws didn't have chains on them for safety purpose of course), and everyone I was with took off running. I stood there and stared at the guy, and when I turned around, my whole party was wayyyy far away lol. I also got sick of walking with large groups of people cuz they were too slow and it was annoying just standing around moving slowly. So my roommate and I kept breaking off and going on paths on our own and it was so much more enjoyable.

Then we went on a "haunted" hayride, which would have been cool. Guys with chainsaws jumped out of the woods and hit the sides of the trailer with their chainsaws. A couple of times, they ran up onto the trailer with us and swung their chainsaws around. One guy in a werewolf costume sneaked onto the trailer and scared some people. But yeah, the reason it was ruined is because there were a bunch of ghetto 14-year-old girls on it talking loudly the entire time and being just extremely obnoxious."

The day before that, some girls got hit by a car. Here's what I said about it elsewhere(again):

"I got out of class, and on my walking back to the dorm (which is through the park and across a busy intersection), we walked up on a car pulled up on the sidewalk with hazard lights on and a group of people standing on the corner. Apparently she had just hit three girls with her car. They were all crying, and we stopped to see what was going on. Then two cop cars, an firetruck, a rescue truck, and an ambulance all showed up while we were leaving. For the record, I don't think any of them were seriously hurt, but still. Interesting stuff..."

One of the girls is a major drama queen/attention whore. She stayed in the hospital over night and has been wearing a neck brace ever since. The other girl who got hit the hardest is perfectly fine and has been walking to school and not complaining one bit.

This also happened. I said this on October 3:

"Tomorrow is the inauguration of our new school president. An official email was sent out saying they invite all of us to attend and all morning classes are canceled.

My morning class tomorrow is still in session (although cut short) even though the professors are not supposed to do that. Everyone else in my class who I've talked to says they aren't going. So, is it a good idea for me not to go? (I skipped this class last week, so it'll be the second day in a row I'm not there).

I mean, I'm not going anyway. I just need you all to tell me not to so I feel better about not going lol."

(I posted all of these in my private Facebook group I'm a part of).

I didn't go to that class, and the professor was fine with it.

I'm really struggling with that class. My procrastination is literally killing me. I'm getting so stressed and miserable, I swear it's taking years off my life.

I ordered pizza last night. We got the pizza guy to draw the Forever Alone guy on the box. He was our same pizza guy last time we ordered pizza a month ago. His name is Dillon, and he's awesome! Haha. Last time he said he'd be happy to draw things on the box for us. This time he was like, "I'm no artist, but I tried to draw your little Forever Alone guy for you." And we said we're surprised he knew what it was. And he said, "I'm probably the only other person in this city other than you who knows what it is." Haha. He's really cool though. I like him. We were so excited when the online ordering thing said "Dillon left the store with your order" or whatever. :D

Then there was a party downstairs. We were actually told about it ahead of time (people usually don't tell us anything), but we kinda weren't gonna go. We didn't expect it to be such a big party. You could hear the music and people from our room with the door closed! So, Nikki and I decided to make an appearance. All the alcohol was gone by the time we got there (I don't really care cuz I wasn't planning on drinking anyway - or staying, for that matter). It was kinda fun talking to people. Like, AJ was there (who, Idk if I've mentioned this before, is the only person I genuinely like here other than Nikki and Barrett). He always seems happy to see me, which makes me happy! Nikki and I were fashionably late. Everyone was like "Where have you been?" That's right, bitches. B) We basically JUST made an appearance just to be seen. We came. We saw. We conquered.

And today... "I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be." (That is my favorite quote from my hero Peter Gibbons.)

Oh, our dryer got fixed yesterday! It's been broken for 3 or 4 weeks... So, I actually did do something today: laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.

I need to try to update this more often. >.< I never feel like it...

So, a week from today, Nate is going to drive here, and we're going to see States/Circa Survive! Then I'm going home for the weekend with him, and it's going to be grand. Now, I just need to make it through this week... Midterms week...

Passion over Consequence

"You two are so freaking adorable! Go away!"

I just got done Skyping Nate.

So the other day, Sunday specifically, we had a tornado scare. I was just sitting on the living room couch minding my own business when I heard a knock on the door across the hall. Shortly after I heard a knock on our door, and I answered it to Justin, our RA. He said the sirens were going off (I could easily hear them) and that there was a tornado over in Arkansas (right down the road from here). So, we all had to go to the first floor and hang out in the dorms down there. I got Aaliyah and woke up Nikki (Elizabeth was out of town). Then I grabbed my laptop+power cord, phone+charger, and my camera. In the off chance that the place did get struck by a tornado, I grabbed the things I would care about most if I lost. Haha. Priorities! So we all went down to Demar's dorm and hung out there for awhile with a handful of other people. The sky was really scary. There were super dark giant funnel clouds off in the distance. The sirens were going off for at least an hour or more. But nothing bad happened, and when the sirens went off, we all went back to our rooms and carried on with our lives.

I could talk about a thousand other things, but I'm way too tired for my own good. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and now it's already 1AM, so I'll only be getting about 5 tonight. Why do I do this to myself? In high school it was bearable because the day ended at 3PM. Not anymore... Class today ended at 7:30PM.

#collegelife #feelsbadman

One last thing before I go as a little side note for myself: Let's hope I don't regret this in the future.

Exactly One Month of College UPDATE

I need to update this before it's too late.



So, I'm in college now obviously. It's nothing like what I expected. Then again, expectations are the root of all disappointment. The first day, move-in day, I wasn't so sure how I felt. I wasn't excited or nervous or anything. The next 4 days were registration and orientation. I hadn't even had classes yet, and I was getting extremely depressed. When classes had started, I lost it. I was so miserable. I cried myself to sleep (and cried alone in my room countless times throughout the day) at least 7 days in a row. I was overwhelmed and felt alone and trapped and stuck and so many other things. I hadn't talked to mom in days, and when she called I wouldn't answer the phone. I couldn't talk to her when I was crying so hard! I eventually gave in and called her. I cried to her on the phone (making her cry in return) for an hour. Um... So, she wanted to get me a counselor (but I absolutely did NOT want to talk to anyone from the school - I didn't want anyone to know), and she called the school. Carla (one of the women who work at the school) talked to me a little in the hallway, but we didn't have, like, a sit-down chat session. Thankfully.

Things started looking up when I dropped my most stressful class. There is just no way I could do it.

I had already been getting better when Nikki was added to our apartment. She is seriously the best thing that has happened to me since being here! She's from Nashville (someone from close to home!), and we have a ton of the same interests. So, I'm not necessarily ecstatic now, but I'm by no means depressed.

Bah! I still have so many things to talk about.

I went home labor day weekend. That Friday Mom picked me up and we all stayed the night at Ron's son's house. Billy and Natalie. They have a really nice house, and they're actually pretty cool. Then that Saturday we went to Dickson. Saturday night I went to Thunder Alley to see the band that Ryan is in play. It was so much fun! (I was really hoping to see some of my friends while I was in town, but no one showed up to Thunder Alley, so fuck 'em!). That night, though, after the show, Ryan was drunk and angry, stole my dad's truck driving in the rain at 2 in the morning, and wrecked it. He got life-flighted to Vanderbilt later that morning when the sun was up (he was out there for at least 5 hours! ): ) He got a fractured neck, broken collarbone, concussion, and I think a broken shoulder. So, I stayed at Nana's house Sunday night, saw Ryan Monday, and came back to Memphis later that day.

This is all in a nutshell and it's all over the place...

My school I.D. equals as a membership to the Brooks Museum (right next door to the school), the Memphis Zoo (also right next door), and the French Riviera Spa (not as fancy as it sounds, just a gym... and it's down the street some ways), which means I get into all these places for free. I've been to the zoo, but not the other two yet.

What else has happened...?

Meh, I'll talk about the more recent stuff now since it's fresh in my memory.

I went to a party last night. It was fun and stupid at the same time. Like you could tell who the freshmen were, especially the ones who have never been drunk before. Cuz they had to constantly remind people how drunk they were. And the stupid fucking ditzy ass girl who only acts that stupid when she's around people. That ain't cute, booboo. Guys don't think it's cute either. Nikki tried to get me to dance, but I really didn't want to. My favorite part was sitting on the front porch listening to AJ play guitar and sing. He sang the song posted at the top of this post, and it was absolutely lovely. I fell in love for a minute. (Don't tell Nate lol - I'm going to talk about him next...). Here's a picture that Nikkit took about that time!

So, in the middle at around 1am, Nikki really had to pee, but she couldn't use the bathroom at the party because it was disgusting, so we walked back to our place (which is across the street and a parking lot) so she could use our clean, available bathroom. When we were walking back down the stairs, a bunch of people from the party were coming in the gate and told us not to go back because Security had just broke up the party. Man, did we have perfect timing or what! Haha. So, then some of those people came up to our apartment because we offered to bake them cookies. I was a party pooper and went to bed though.

Just now, Nikki was at another party but came back for a minute to get pajamas (because tonight's party is apparently a pajama party). When she came back, Dimitri, William, and Sebastian were with her (3 very tall black guys). They all came into my room, and they were just kinda hanging out, but then Dimitri and William made my bed... and then they all left. Hahaha! They were cracking me up!

So, I guess I'm going to talk about my relationship which has been bothering me incessantly for weeks. I know long-distance relationships are doomed and destined to fail. I've experienced that already. I don't even want to be in a long-distance relationship... but I am in a relationship, and it just so happened to turn into long-distance. I'm not going to break up with him unless I have a genuinely good reason to. A little distance, to me, isn't a good reason. Not to mention, I still really like him a whole hell of a lot. I was so concerned at first because he hangs out with almost nothing but girls at his school all the time. I figured he would find some good Christian girl there and like one of them more than me and break it off since I'm worthless to him now being so far away and all. I figured he would just kinda forget about everything we had... but he hasn't yet. For a little while I was expecting it to end, but I never once let him know any of this. It's just that now he's in college too, he hardly ever texts me anymore (try once every 6 hours), and he's hardly available to Skype. And he ALWAYS has an excuse and it's almost always homework. I am in ART SCHOOL. A school based on a philosophy that if you have any free time, you're doing something wrong. And even I text back within an hour and have plenty of time to Skype. So, there is no way he has that much homework all the time. I don't even ask him to Skype anymore. I wait for him to offer because I don't want to be annoying...

Oh, and you can't blame me for being suspicious. My heart has been stomped on before because of this shit (not by him), and I just don't want it to happen again... because if it happens this time, it'll be tenfold. He's more than anyone I've ever had before...

But for some reason, he seems to still like me. He always says he misses me and he makes plans to hang out with me during breaks and stuff. I just don't know. I hate to take everything he says with a grain of salt if he's being honest, but if he's not, I don't want to feel stupid. I felt stupid enough last time my heart got broken (never felt more stupid in my entire life and that's the God's honest truth). And I hate to admit that last time broke my heart, and it took me a long time to realize that it did, but, hell, I suppose it's the truth as well...

So, yeah. Just to prove my point, it's now 12:37 and the last time he texted me was at 8:21. That just really bothers me. It makes me feel selfish, too, because what if he really is telling the truth and he really is busy and I'm just making this all about me? Yeah... :/

That's why I keep all of this to myself.

Well, that definitely wasn't everything I could have said, but I think it's enough for now.

Now that all that is out of the way, I can start updating this regularly instead of letting it get all backed up to where I have to make super long posts like this one.

It's Coming

There is just soooo much I need to say here. I've got the entire month of August up until now to recap. I wish I hadn't gotten so behind, but the times that I weren't too depressed to write, I was too exhausted. And right now I just do not have the time. I'll catch up though (hopefully later tonight), and then I'll try to keep this updated regularly.